Mr. Gerard’s Mailbox

Deer Diary,

Mr. Gerard is threatenin 2 sue me 4 knockin down his mailbox. He can threaten me all he want, I wuz juss testin his mailbox 2 see if it culd withstan a natural disasta by dressin like a cow an hittin it wit a bat. Now Gerard know dat if a hurricane is cumin he needa board up his mailbox. I didnt watch Twista 4 nutin!!!

Mr. Gerard is mah neighbor. His mailbox talks.

Dis not da furst time Mr. Gerard has threatened 2 sue me. Da most recent threat came afta I put a detour sign n front of da road dat he sells shrimp on da side of. He claims dat I did dat cuz I didnt want him 2 afford a deck extension. An while him gettin a deck extension makes me feel insecure cuz I don’t have a deck, only sum steps dat me an T-Russ sit on an practice counting, he is foolish 2 tink dat. Part of mah incum is dependent of sellin da tings dat I steel frum Mr. Gerard. Da less he has, da less I have. Dats trick or treat economics 101.

Da real reason y I put dat detour sign wuz cuz mah Taunt Geraldine dat lives n da ditch wuz tryin 2 mate an she get mad wen cars cum by wen shes n da middle of seducin a turtle.

Taunt Geraldine gotta tootie on her forehed cuz she saw a documentary of dem scary fish wit tooties on dere foreheds dat live at da bottom of da ocean dat use dere tooties 2 help dem catch fish. Shes lives n da ditch cuz deres a warrant out 4 her arrest cuz she still hasnt returned Findin Nemeaux. Da Abbeville Blockbusta is serious bout dere documentaries!

Altho Mr. Gerard threatens 2 sue me all da time, he’s only actually tried 2 sue me once. I crashed his zero-turn lawnmower n2 Piggly Wiggly so I culd make an entrance big enuf 4 mah gross fat wife Priscilla 2 fit thru. Mr. Gerard tried 2 sue cuz he sed I wuz damagin his property. An while dat true, a free improvement 2 a local business is legal as per amendment 337 of da Vermilion Parish constitution which states “installin a big door 4 puhtots 4 free is gud, even if u hurt Mr. Gerard’s lawnmower doin it.” Mr. Gerard had 2 sell shrimp on thanksgivin 2 pay his lawyer.

Dats da pig. He sees all.

If Mr. Gerard eva does try 2 sue me doe, I am prepared. I juss met a lawyer named Fernard. Fernard is a garfish. Fernard studied law at da University of Louisiana at Lafayette where he lived n da swamp an worked n da library puttin up books. Da time he spent n da library tawt him many tings. Like how 2 turn a book page wit his fins an how long he can breeth on land. Da library still smells like him 2 dis day.

My Paw Paw always told me “neva trust a garfish” but he neva met a garfish wit a tie.

I tink 2morrow 2 show Mr. Gerard dere is no ill will, I’m gonna put his mailbox back up. An in it, Ill put 1 of da turtles dat mah Taunt Geraldine gave birth 2. Mah Taunt don’t make enuf money 2 raise dem all, an I know Mr. Gerard always wanted 2 b a daddy.

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