T-Russ made up a numba wen we wuz counting da utta day. He sed “eleven”. Bruh. I hope he know im not gonna fall 4 no shit like dat. Eleven not a numba. Eleven is da name of dat lil boy on da new E.T. He sed eleven is wut cum afta 10. Which dat dumb. Cuz everybody kno dat wen u count it’s “9, 10,” you say a “glory be” den “a mystery” den an “our father” den count to 10 agin an repeat until u git 2 da lass numba, “hail holy queen”. I learned how 2 count right using mah Holy Abacus.
T-Russ always tinks he knows his shit. 1 time tried 2 tell me dat Bill Clinton used 2 b President. Mais wut? I sed “t-Russ, juss cuz u play da French Horn on da Magic Johnson show, dat dont meen u President.” He sed “dat wuz da Arsenio Hall show an he played saxophone.” I sed “make up aunuder werd n mah house im feedin u 2 da roosters!” Dat T-Russ musta forgot dat George HW Bush wuz President until he resigned wen his wife hurt her tuh-tut jumping out dat buildin on September 11, 2001. Dats wen he gave his son George W Bush da position.
T-Russ is always actin up cuz I steel his progeria medication 2 take wen I cut flips n da backyard 2 travel thru time. If progeria makes T-Russ age fast den I dont see how it wont make me travel in 2 da future 2 see if dey eva induct Jake Delhomme n2 da pro football hall of fame. It hasnt happined yet an I tink it cuz Im not cuttin flips fast enuf. Next time im n da fun jump ima git mah fat gross wife Pricilla 2 double bounce me so I can see Jake Delhomme finally git wut he deserves.
I tink wut T-Russ problem is is dat he dont have a gross fat wife 2 call his own. An it not dat T-Russ don’t git da women, he ponced 3 lunch ladies at da Indian Bayou Bazaar last yeer. It dat all da women dat n2 him r copper diggers. Dey know dat he dont have long 2 live so dey juss in it 2 inherit his sugar cane field an turn it n2 a haunted trail ride. T-Russ needs a lady dats gonna luv T-Russ 4 T-Russ. Sum1 dat gonna walk on Holly Beach wit him. Sum1 dats gonna catch him wen he climbin out of a vent dat he wuz juss chasin a rat in. Sum1 dat gonna will lissin 2 him Boop and Beep wen he sees his favorite cow. Sum1 dats gonna buckle him n his high chair wen dey eat at Dons Seafood. Sum1 dat gonna change da channel wen Family Guy cum on so he dont try an fight dat baby dat talks. Sum1 dats rite 4 T-Russ.
Anyway I tink I gotta stop gettin mad wen T-Russ does da rong ting. I gotta make sure dat im on his gud side so he put me n his will. Ima dig up da Cajun Chicken an have a Juggalo Gatherin n da field I inherit.
Mr. Gerard is threatenin 2 sue me 4 knockin down his mailbox. He can threaten me all he want, I wuz juss testin his mailbox 2 see if it culd withstan a natural disasta by dressin like a cow an hittin it wit a bat. Now Gerard know dat if a hurricane is cumin he needa board up his mailbox. I didnt watch Twista 4 nutin!!!
Dis not da furst time Mr. Gerard has threatened 2 sue me. Da most recent threat came afta I put a detour sign n front of da road dat he sells shrimp on da side of. He claims dat I did dat cuz I didnt want him 2 afford a deck extension. An while him gettin a deck extension makes me feel insecure cuz I don’t have a deck, only sum steps dat me an T-Russ sit on an practice counting, he is foolish 2 tink dat. Part of mah incum is dependent of sellin da tings dat I steel frum Mr. Gerard. Da less he has, da less I have. Dats trick or treat economics 101.
Da real reason y I put dat detour sign wuz cuz mah Taunt Geraldine dat lives n da ditch wuz tryin 2 mate an she get mad wen cars cum by wen shes n da middle of seducin a turtle.
Altho Mr. Gerard threatens 2 sue me all da time, he’s only actually tried 2 sue me once. I crashed his zero-turn lawnmower n2 Piggly Wiggly so I culd make an entrance big enuf 4 mah gross fat wife Priscilla 2 fit thru. Mr. Gerard tried 2 sue cuz he sed I wuz damagin his property. An while dat true, a free improvement 2 a local business is legal as per amendment 337 of da Vermilion Parish constitution which states “installin a big door 4 puhtots 4 free is gud, even if u hurt Mr. Gerard’s lawnmower doin it.” Mr. Gerard had 2 sell shrimp on thanksgivin 2 pay his lawyer.
If Mr. Gerard eva does try 2 sue me doe, I am prepared. I juss met a lawyer named Fernard. Fernard is a garfish. Fernard studied law at da University of Louisiana at Lafayette where he lived n da swamp an worked n da library puttin up books. Da time he spent n da library tawt him many tings. Like how 2 turn a book page wit his fins an how long he can breeth on land. Da library still smells like him 2 dis day.
I tink 2morrow 2 show Mr. Gerard dere is no ill will, I’m gonna put his mailbox back up. An in it, Ill put 1 of da turtles dat mah Taunt Geraldine gave birth 2. Mah Taunt don’t make enuf money 2 raise dem all, an I know Mr. Gerard always wanted 2 b a daddy.
We baptized T-T-Claude 2day. Da preest wuz Filapino so I hope dat God undastood him wen he poured Faygo on T-T-Claude’s head. While im da happy dat T-T-Claude will geaux 2 heavin once he ovadoses on synthetic marijuana like his ancestors have done b4 him, I am sad dat he will neva git 2 meat Paul Prudome who is cookin up sum mean stews n Hell.
T-Russ mad at me cuz I didnt make him T-T-Claude’s Parrain. He can “Boop” and “Beep” at me all he want. He alredy mah pet nutria rat John McCain Hebert’s Parrain. An he not even a gud Parrain 2 John MCain. Every birtday John McCain has T-Russ buy him da finga puppet book an every yeer John McCain bites mah fingas wen I pretend 2 reed it 2 him.
I am happy dat Terry is T-T-Claude’s Parrain. He seem like he will make T-T-Claude live da Catholic life juss n case I die b4 T-T-Claude reaches da age dat he can attend ICP concerts witout parental guydance. I knew Terry wuz a gud choice wen he was n mah trunk an didnt cumplain abot mah George Straight cassette bein 2 loud. Im still not sure where 2 drop him off at.
It a gud ting T-T-Claude got a gud Parrain cuz his Nanny frys chicken tenders at da Doller Tree. Priscilla’s sista won da nanny raffle at da Duck Foot Festival so we had 2 make her Nanny. Not honoring a raffle is 25 yeers 2 life n Vermilion Parish so we had 2. T-T-Claude juss betta have da chicken tender hook up as long as Priscillas sista werks dere. I still dont know her name.
All n all it wuz a gud Holy Day. I stole all da wine dat wuz at da Blockbusta Church an T-T-Claude wuz lukin slick n his Stone Cold Steve Austin vest.
N da name of da father, da son, an who is mah daddy. A man?