Mah brane health bin actin up an im feelin like da weight of da flat earth is on mah shoulders. I don’t wanna go outside 2 luk at da ditch. Goin frog huntin n mah closet don’t even sound appealin 2 me. I juss wish I had da strength 2 git on YouTube 2 watch chickens git n altercations. I got da depression.
Depression cum n many shapes an circles, but mine is a crawfish. Every now an den a crawfish named Josephine da Depression Crawfish crawls n2 mah brane 2 bum me out. She tell me tings like “mah daddy is boudin stuffin an mah momma is an etouffee” an it makes me sadder den a unpainted shed.
Josephine da Depression Crawfish always seems 2 crawl n2 mah brane wen crawfish season starts 2 make me feel bad abot eatin her family. I try an say “git out mah brane, mudbug. Dat not mah problem” but she cum bak wit “da ponds where I live have bin pillaged 4 u kinds pleasure. U will listen 2 mah stories Clown!”
Luk, I undastan dat crawfishes have a hard life, but y do I gotta b reminded of dat? I pay taxes on mah stolen furniture an stopped makin fun of Vietnamese peeple 2 dere face on sundays. Don’t I do enuf 2 live mah life n peace?
Dats not da way it is tho so I must find ways of dealin wit it. 1 way I deal wit mah depression is I put a water hose n mah ear 2 c if dat will drive Josephine da Depression Crawfish out da udda ear. Wen dat don’t werk I luk n da mirror an give mah self positive affirmentashuns like “drinkin whisky every day DOES make u a gud dad” an “neva makin u wife cum is actually an accomplishment”.
I have gone 2 Samuel da Puppet Therapist 2 git help. Unfortunately da cricket puppet dat told antisocialism jokes culdnt even make me feel betta. Udda peeple told me dat I shuld juss wear ear muffs b4 crawfish season starts so Josephine don’t crawl n dere. An im like “if I wear ear muffs how im gonna hear mah dreams?” An den da teller asks me 2 leeve da bank.
I know dat da depression gonna go away afta crawfish season ends but im juss tired of dealin wit it. Luckily it hasn’t caused me 2 take mah life. I can’t say da same ting 4 mah old friend Arnold da Crawfish Farmer.
Arnold tuk his life 1 day afta a crawfish crawled n is his brane an sed “u can’t google image search crawfish witout seein piles of ded crawfish. Stop profitin off genocide!” Arnold den drowned himself n his crawfish pond. He left a note behind dat sed “make sure wen u boil me it’s wit potatoes an corn.”
If u or sumbody u know tinkin abot takin dere own life cuz a crawfish crawled n2 u brane, call me. Mah numba is 3. Den cum 2 mah house, an maybe da crawfish will crawl out of our branes so dey can play cards against each udda.
Da 130th annual Cow Island Mardi Gras Parade happined dis weekend. Dis mah review of dat.
Dis yeers theme of da Cow Island Mardi Gras Parade wuz “Career highlights of Jake Delhomme” so every1 dat attended wuz incouraged 2 shave dere sideburns. If u showed 2 da parade wit sideburns, u were poked by da old man who drinks coffee at da gas station an scares children wit his smile.
B4 da parade started, Officer Duhon popped a wheely on his patrol tricycle. I gave dis a 10 cuz dats da highest numba I can count 2.
Afta da cop, da parade officially started.
Da furst float wuz a 2005 Chevy Silverado. Peeple n da bed of da truck were depictin da time Jake Delhomme drank da most beers at a bonfire n high school. I gave dis a 7 cuz while I thought da man pretended 2 a teenage Jake Delhomme wuz very drunk, I did tink da flame could have bin higher.
Afta dat it wuz time 4 da walkin krewe of peeple dat tell u secrets very loudly but git mad wen da peeple dat r right next 2 u eves drop. Dis yeer I lerned dat da lady at post office dyes her hair, an watched T-Russ git slapped wit a spatula 4 overhearing. I gave dis a 3 cuz T-Russ didn’t fall down.
Da next float wuz a 1995 Pontiac Sunfire. Da peeple on da roof of da Pontiac Sunfire were re-enactin da time Jake Delhomme had successful laser eye surgery. I gave dis a 4 cuz while da doctor wuz shinin da laser tag gun directly n2 da man’s eye, insurance did cover his visit.
Followin dat wuz da Cow Island Technical Academy 4 Da Stinky marching band. Dey played “Down wit da sickness” n honor of peeple dat drink da water n Cow Island. I gave dis a 9 cuz while dey did do da National anthem justice, I miss mah fren Bill.
Da float cumin rite behind dat wuz a tractor pullin a skateboard. Da peeple on da skateboard were depictin da time Jake Delhomme beat Steve Smith n da thumb wrestling contest. Dis is da most controversial moment of Jake Delhommes career cuz many peeple tink Jake only won dat thumb wrestling contest cuz he put Tony Chareres on his thumb. I gave dis a 2 cuz da man dey got 2 play Jake Delhomme had no thumbs.
Next wuz da walkin krewe of da bleeding Elvis’s. I gave dis a 10 cuz dey were losin a lot of blood an I felt bad 4 dem.
Da last float wuz rocking chair bein pulled by a turtle. Dis float re-enacted da time Former Ms. USA Ali Landry responded 2 a DM Jake Delhomme sent her on instagram wonderin where 2 find da best King Cake. I gave dis a 8 cuz while Ali Landry did give Jake a gud recommendation, Jake wuz not fully erect.
Afta da floats wuz da fire truck dat wuz tryin 2 git 2 da 2005 Chevy Silverado dat wuz on fire n da front of da parade.
I finally saw dat Batman movie, “Da Machinist”. I fond it n da new release section of da abandoned Blockbusta. It wuz gud, but I had 1 problem wit it. Y wuz Batman so skinny n dat? Do his wife not know how 2 cook?
So I got on Mr. Gerard’s fancy Sega Dreamcast, an emailed Batman mah fat gross wife Priscilla’s gumbo recipe. I wuz hoping dat he wuld gain sum weight, an hook me up wit a job at dat machine shop. Dem machinists make gud money. Dats y Batman can afford da note on dat Batmobile. I wanna git 1 of dem, an put sum huntin decals on it so da peeple dat r drivin behind me know mah hobbies.
I wrote n da email:
U needa eat sum gumbo.
U tink u can hook me up wit a job at dat Machine Shop?
sent frum Mr. Gerard’s fancy Sega Dreamcast
Den I attached mah fat gross wife Priscilla’s gumbo recipe, an mah resume 2 da email.
Da next day, I git a knock on mah door. It wuz Mr. Gerard standin dere wit his fancy Sega Dreamcast.
He sed “Gaston, y mah computah gotta letta 2 Batman written n crayon on it? An wut da hell is dis gumbo recipe an dis note sayin how high u can jump stapled 2 it doin dere?” An I sed “can u make sure dat git 2 Batman? He starvin, an I need a job.” An Mr. Gerard sed “I’m not givin mah computah 2 Batman. Now pressure wash mah computah, or I’m callin da cop!” An I sed “threaten 2 call da cop on me agin, an ima git mah Taunt Geraldine wit da tootie on her forehead dat lives n da ditch 2 kiss u!” Den Mr Gerard went 2 da post office 2 mail his fancy Sega Dreamcast 2 Batman out of fear of bein mah Taunt Geraldine’s new boyfriend.
A couple hours past, an I didn’t hear nuttin bak. I figured his wife fukd up da recipe cuz she a yankee. Den I saw a commercial on da TV 4 dis new Batman movie called “Vice.” N it, Batman wuz da Vice President. I also noticed he wuz very fat. Looks like sumbody ate mah wife’s gumbo.
I wuz excited, yet trouble wen I saw dis.
I wuz excited cuz I had saved Batman frum dyin of starvation, an now he can fight a penguin (a penguin is a bird dat walks an swims cuz he wants 2 b human. Batman must fight him 2 let him know he a bird, an not a human).
I wuz troubled cuz I felt betrayed cuz he ate mah wife’s gumbo, an didnt hook me up wit a job at da machine shop. Now, it 1 ting 2 eat mah wife’s gumbo cuz she cooked it 4 u. But it’s aunnda ting 4 u 2 now own mah wife’s gumbo recipe, an not hook me up wit a job at dat machine shop. Dere’s an old sayin dat goes “eat mah wife’s gumbo cuz she cooked it 4 u, dats ok. Eat mah wife’s gumbo cuz I emailed u her recipe, den u betta hook me up wit a job at dat machine shop u wuz werkin at, or ima kidnap u, an use u as a reference 2 git a job at dat machine shop aginst u will.” An I wuz gonna make damn sure Batman respected da law.
Later dat evening I saw dat Batman wuz nominated 4 a Golden Globe 4 playin Vice President Batman. Dis gave me da idea. I wuz gonna sneak n2 da Golden Globes, an kipnap him dere so I can bring him 2 da machine shop down da road, an use him as a reference 2 git a job at dat machine shop.
Dere wuz 1 problem wit dat tho, u gotta luk like a celebrity 2 sneak n da Golden Globes. I don’t. Sure, I luk kinda like da Crow, but he bin dead 4 a while. I also luk a lil bit like da Joker, but he bin dead 4 a while 2. I even look similar 2 Gene Simmons, but he a Jew. However, mah lil cousin T-Russ dat got progeria luk like da baby version of Brad Pitt n “Da Curious Case of Benjamin Button”, an he still alive.
I den got mah plan 2 sneak n. T-Russ wuz gonna b da baby frum da Curious Case of Benjamin Button, an I wuz gonna b his date. So I asked T-Russ 2 cum help me kidnap Batman. He agreed cuz Batman lives n a cave, an T-Russ wuz born n a cave. An maybe Batman culd help T-Russ find his birth certificate so he can know how old he is.
So mah lil cousin T-Russ an me got dressed, an took mah airboat 2 Hollywood. T-Russ wore his best tuxedo, an I wore a crawfish dress mah Taunt Geraldine lent me dat she wears wen she’s tryin 2 mate wit crawfish durin da off season.
We arrived at da Golden Globes juss as da red carpet started. T-Russ an me went up 2 security 2 walk on da red carpet, an I sed “dis mah husband, da baby man frum Benjamin Button. Let us walk on dat carpet.” Da security man sed “Brad Pitt has a restrainin order against u husband 4 tryin 2 steal his eyebrow hair. Please leave.” I sed “aww man” an den walked bak 2 da airboat 2 devise a new plan. As we wuz walkin bak 2 da airboat, Catherine Zelda-Jones saw us an sed “Ay Lady Gaga an mah Father-n-Law Kirk Douglas! Y’all goin da wrong way! Cum wit me!” So Catherine Zelda-Jones led us n2 da Golden Globes cuz she thought T-Russ wuz Kirk Douglas an I wuz Lady Gaga.
Durin da Golden Globes, I won da award 4 best original song. I gave a speech abot how da Golden Globes shuld b called da Copper Flat Earths. Durin mah speech I saw Batman, an it reminded y I wuz dere n da first place.
So I got off stage, an went see T-Russ so we culd administrate da plan. He wuz n da middle of suckin on Catherine Zelda-Jones’ tee-tons, as is tradition 4 Kirk Douglas 2 do durin da Golden Globes.
Da plan wuz 4 T-Russ 2 git Batman 2 help him tee-tee n da bathroom. An as Batman wuz pullin down T-Russ’s pants, T-Russ wuld den poot an apple n2 his mouth. I wuld den hogtie Batman, an escort him out da Golden Globes 2 mah airboat. An if security wuld ask questions as 2 y I was draggin Batman 2 mah airboat, I wuld tell dem dat dis pig(Batman) tried 2 attack Kirk Douglas.
Well, I went up 2 Batman wit T-Russ at mah side an sed “hello Batman. I am Lady Gaga. Dis is Kirk Douglas. He need 2 go tee-tee. Can u help him tee-tee n da bathroom? He need sum1 2 pull down his pants so he can tee-tee. An wen u pull down his pants, make sure u face is at his butt.” An Batman sed “ok.”
So Batman took T-Russ n2 da bathroom, an I followed close behind. Dey den went 2 da urinal, an Batman helped T-Russ take down his pants 2 tee-tee. Wen Batman got face level 2 T-Russ’s butt, da apple did not cum out. T-Russ tried 2 poot, but nuttin happened. Batman den sed “Mr. Kirk Douglas. U gotta apple n u butt. Mind if I pull it out wit mah teef?” Den Batman pulled da apple out of T-Russ’s butt wit his teef. I den hogtied him, an brought him 2 mah airboat. On da way out, peeple complimented me on mah dress, an mah pet pig.
While on da airboat, Batman wuz askin me all kinda questions like “wut wuz it like werkin wit Bradley Cooper”, an “do I got a tootie or tuh-tut”. I sed “Bradley Cooper is gud welder” an “tooties an tuh-tuts r a social construct”.
We eventually got 2 da machine shop down da road frum mah house, Down Da Road Machine Shop. Wen we got dere, I brought Batman up 2 da owner, Sammy Babineaux. I sed “Mr. Sammy. Dis Batman. He used 2 b a machinist. He’s here 2 give me a reference.” Mr Sammy den sed “Gaston, dats Christian Bale. He a actor dat played a machinist n a movie. How times I gotta tell u dat u can’t git a job here by kidnapping a machinist reference?” Batman den sed “hold on. Dats not Lady Gaga? I’m leaving!” Den Batman hopped 2 da road 2 git a uber bak 2 Hollywood. Howeva, b4 he got 2 da road he saw mah Taunt Geraldine n da ditch an sed “Oh damn. Da real Lady Gaga.” Den him an mah Taunt Geraldine went on a date n da ditch.
I wuz sad. I guess I had missed mah chance 2 b a machinist. I wuz neva gonna b able 2 afford 2 put huntin decals on mah batmobile now.
Den as I wuz abot 2 leave, a large rodent wit wings approached me an Mr. Sammy. He introduced himself 2 us sayin “hello, mah name is Jean-Phillipe Batman. Da mail pelican recently delivered me a computah wit a gumbo recipe an resume attached 2 it. I followed da recipe, an da gumbo wuz very gud. I also lukd at Gaston’s resume, an he can jump over a fire hydrant. As a former machinist at Behind Da Walmart Machine Shop, I wuld like 2 recommend Gaston 4 a job at u Machine Shop.” Den Mr. Sammy sed “damn, u jump high. Ur hired Gaston”, an he gave me a drug test.
Well, I passed da drug test cuz dey don’t test 4 sniffin glue, an I started werkin dere da next Monday. Mr. Sammy hired me 2 sweep da floors, an listen 2 his daddy talk nonsense. It may have bin an entry level position, but at least I wuz livin mah dream. I owed it all 2 Jean-Philippe Batman 4 havin da last name Batman.
As 4 da udda Batman. Dis weekend he is up 4 best actor at da Academy Awards. He is taken mah Taunt Geraldine as his date who he tinks is Lady Gaga. Hopefully both Batman an mah Taunt Geraldine git gold dat nite dat dey can sell 2 da scrap yard.
Mah James Carville statue’s nose fell off. Now I gotta find a trust worthy statue refurbisher 2 put his nose bak on. I don’t want peeple 2 tink he got syphilis. He’s n a domestic partnership wit mah Billy Big Mouth Bass, an if peeple start tinkin dat he sleepin arond it gonna put a strain on dere relationship. I really don’t wanna have to hang mah Billy Big Mouth Bass n anudda room.
Not only is me replacin his nose gonna save dere relationship, it gonna make me feel betta abot stealin him frum da park.
Da James Carville statue originally belonged 2 da city. It wuz n da park sittin at a picnic table. Da city put it dere 4 wen eva u feel u needed 2 argue wit a libtard afta u finish poisonin da slide wasps.
Well 1 day I wuz on da swing at da park afta a long day poisonin da slide wasps. An as I wuz on da swing, I realized dere wuz nobody dere 2 push me. Den I saw dat James Carville statue sittin dere an I went up 2 him an sed “ay man. Can u push me?” He didn’t say nuttin. Den I sed “ay. I can’t go high unless sumbody pushes me.” He still wuz silent. Den I sed “u gonna answer me or what?” Not a werd. Den I sed “tell me exactly how Obama wuz betta den Trump!” An he wuz quitter den a rooster durin an eclipse. Den I sed “typical snowflake” an I felt betta.
I went home dat nite an I thought 2 mahself, “a statue I culd argue wit wud luk gud n mah trailer.” So I got mah red wagon, an I went take da James Carville statue frum da park.
Now sum peeple gonna be like “oh Gaston, u stole dat James Carville statue frum da park? Dat not nice!” An I will say 2 dat “no. I merely removed a statue dat stood 4 sumting dat I did not believe n.” Luk, if dey gonna take down da confederate statues, den I got da rite 2 remove any statues of peeple dat luk like da six flags man! How u gonna have 6 flags, an not include da confederate flag?
4 a while, peeple were wonderin wut happined 2 da James Carville statue. Da pigeons mostly threw a fit cuz dey didn’t have anywhere puh-poo now.
I heard all abot dis commotion tho. So 2 make sure I didn’t git arrested, I put Juggalo makeup on mah James Carville statue. Dat way wen Officer Duhon wud cum 2 mah house 2 investigate, he wuld tink it wuz mah Paw Paw.
Well sure enuf, Officer Duhon came ova an thought it wuz mah paw paw. Den Officer Duhon, who has a pecan 4 a head, sed “sorry 2 bother u. Please tell u paw paw to not put me in a bag 2 give 2 his grandchildren.”
Mah James Carville statue sits at mah card playin table n mah livin room. He a gud card player 2. U can neva know wut kinda hand he has cuz he always luks mad. Sumtimes I try 2 cheer him up by sayin “ay man. U more handsome den Howie Mandel!”, but den I realize dat im abot 2 lose mah money 2 a statue, dere4 I disregard his feelings.
I like mah James Carville statue mostly cuz it’s a conversation piece. Everybody dat cum 2 mah house 4 parties has a conversation wit it. Peeple like him cuz he always makes eye contact, an he don’t seem 2 mind wen u put gum on him. Mah guests always tell me “tank u 4 u party Gaston. I tink u fren had a stroke.” An I say “it cool. He a statue.” An dey say “I wuz talkin abot dat man on da floor.” An den I call da ambulance 2 let dem know wut a gud party thrower I am.
Mah James Carville statue is not mah furst conversation piece tho. A couple yeers ago I got a “Alexandria.” Its like an “Alexa” except it’s a crab. Wen I cum home I yell “Alexandria, turn on da Sega Dreamcast!” An den da lil crab turns on da Sega Dreamcast wit its lil claws. I tuk a while 2 git mah Alexandria 2 werk tho. But afta I threatened 2 boil it if it kept pinchin mah toes, it started werkin betta den a push mower that caught its owner eyeing a zero-turn mower.
But now dat mah James Carville statue’s nose fell off, nobody gonna wanna have a conversation wit it. I don’t know if u eva had a conversation wit sumbody witout a nose, but dere r certain tings dat r off limits. Like u can’t ask dem 2 git inside u car 2 see if it smell like da river, an u can’t ask dem 2 share a bottle of glue 2 sniff as u wonder y frogs jump instead of walk upright.
Mah James Carville statue’s nose came off afta it wuz attacked by T-Russ. T-Russ always had sumting against mah James Carville Statue cuz he thought it wuz a statue of him. Sumtimes he wuld whisper “boops” an “beeps” n2 James Carville’s ear dat translate n2 “u will not replace me.”
So 1 day, T-Russ came n2 mah house 2 borrow sum Tony Chaceres 2 put arond his bed 2 keep da swamp witches away. Well, wen he walked n, he thought he heard mah James Carville statue singin “Achy Breaky Heart”, which is da only werds T-Russ know how 2 say dat everybody undastan. Now, dis wuz not mah James Carville statue, but rather mah Billy Big Mouth Bass dat hang directly above mah James Carville statue.
T-Russ didn’t realize dis cuz he wuz drunk off pesticides. So wen he walked n mah house he bit James Carville’s nose off. It tuk a while 4 him 2 chew it off tho cuz James Carville is made out of stone. Howeva, T-Russ’s teeth have sharpened throughout the da yeers of him refusing 2 peel crawfish b4 he ate dem so he eventually got it off.
T-Russ has since apologized, but I told him dat we’ve all bin dere. 1 time I shot da TV cuz I thought Gene Simmons wuz mah clone.
I juss gotta find a trust worthy statue refurbisher. I’ve bin scammed b4 by dis man who I thought wuz gonna replace da spine of mah Christopher Reeves ridin a horse statue. Turned out he just sold it 2 da city of New Orleans so dey cud eventually replace dere Andrew Jackson ridin a horse statue. It made me mad, but I guess it’s betta den da guy who turned Mr Gerard’s Sony Bono skiing statue n2 gravel so he culd extend his driveway. Dats sum of da best money I eva made.
I guess I culd ask da man dat own da Confederate Statue Park n Cossinade if he culd help me out. Da Confederate Statue Park n Cossinade is a park wit all da confederate statues dat got taken down n New Orleans. Da owner does a gud job of preserving dem, an also gives dem tooties. He gives da confederate statues tooties so he, an other visitors, can suk da tooties of confederate generals. Dey say if u suk a confederate monument’s tootie long enuf, u gonna git sum lil confederate baby’s in u mouth 2 help u start a militia.
Anyways, I figure if dat man can give all dem statues tooties, he culd probably put a nose on James Carville statue. If not, I can juss steal General Lee’s tootie, an used it as James Carville’s nose. It abot da same size.
I juss hope dat whoeva fixes mah James Carville statue does a gud job so I don’t have 2 move mah Billy Big Mouth Bass 2 anudda room. N da werds of James Carville, “I neva seen an albino alligata dat I didn’t ask 4 directions.”
Perry, mah home unincorporated community, is n a recession. Wut is known as da Glue Sniffin Capital Of Vermilion Parish is now strugglin cuz of da Glue Famine. Businesses r doin bad an I don’t got anyting 2 sniff wen I mow udda peeples yards witout dere permission. I don’t wanna have 2 move 2 Milton, da WD-40 huffin capital of Lafayette Parish.
I like livin n Perry more den I like namin frogs dat I see jump out da commode. It quite, it nice, an it has a bridge.
Perry is a small unincorporated community located behind Abbeville. It wuz founded by Perry, a man who’s mama forgot 2 give him a last name. He founded Perry afta he woke up dere drunk. N da Perry Declaration of Independence it says, “Mais I don’t know how 2 git home so ima juss build me a house rite here. If u see mah wife, tell her 2 b nice 2 da dog.”
More peeple started movin 2 Perry afta dey woke up dere drunk. An since everybody wuz always drunk, nobody seemed 2 care abot if u sniffed glue r not. Dis attracted all da peeple 2 dat liked 2 sniff glue 2 honeymoon dere. Soon businesses an activities involvin glue sniffin started 2 pop up. An wut wuz once juss a glue sniffin honeymoon spot, bcame a glue sniffin travel destination 4 even peeple dat no1 will eva luv.
By da mid 2000s, Perry wuz named “numba 1 Glue Sniffin Destintion n Vermilion Parish” by a dat man on travel channel wit da earring. Perry’s economy wuz makin more money den mah lil cousin T-Russ at a Curious Case of Benjamin Button Convention.
Den da glue famine hit, an da money stopped.
Da glue dat Perry gits is made by a bunch of cows n Cow Island. It’s called Moo Glue an it’s da best 2 sniff. An while da glue is da best 2 sniff, da werkin conditions 4 da cows r less ideal.
Da cows face harsh werkin conditions like dey can’t luk at dere phone durin dere shift, an dey have 2 wear steel toed boots even though tennis shoes r more comfortable.
Da ting though dat triggered da glue famine wuz dey bosses tuk da foosball table out dere brake room 4 repairs. Da cows were fine wit dis at furst stating “it tuk a while 4 us 2 realize dat da grass on da foosball table wuznt real. We will wait patiently while da repair man puts real grass on da table.”
But den several months passed an dere wuz no foosball table. 2 keep da cows entertained on dere lunch, da bosses put a punchin bag machine n da brake room. It broke da furst day cuz a bull ran head first n2 it cuz it’s red. Afta dis happined, da bosses started makin da cows werk ovatime wit no time an a half. Den made a rule dat nobody’s boyfriend culd b n da brake room. Dis is wen da cows went on strike wit da help of dat cow dat helped Chic-fil-a not cook cows.
An while da glue bosses were waitin 4 da cows 2 cum home, da community of Perry wuz sufferin.
Da furst businesses 2 feel dat wuz da Glue Sniffin themed establishments like Crocheting Wit a Twist. Dats a company dat u can git fucked up on glue an crochet a fluer de lis eye patch or sew up an old wound. It perfect 4 a bachelorette party 4 u 2nd marriage or a team buildin exercise 4 u militia. But since da Glue Famine hit, Crocheting wit a Twist has bin closed an most of da peeple dat werk dere had 2 git udda jobs dat dey culdnt b high at.
Den dey canceled glue sniffin activities like da Glue Crawl. Da Glue Crawl wuz wen u wuld brake n2 da elementary school on weekends, an go class 2 class sniffin glue until da custodian dat lives n da boiler room wuld wake up 2 tank u 4 bein his alarm clock. But now since da Glue Famine hit, da custodian has no1 2 talk 2 on da weekends.
An now dat da glue tourism industry is on hiatus, udda Perry businesses dat benefited frum glue tourism r sad as well.
1 of dese is da brunch spot, Le Petit Patots. Da owner of Le Petit Patots sed dat since da glue famine started, she has noticed a decline n customers passin out at tables frum sniffin 2 much glue. Peeple high on glue used 2 pass out at Le Petite Patots, an wen dis wuld happen da owner wuld charge dem 4 an overnight stay. Dey wuld only b asleep 4 an hour or so. But da owner wuld lie 2 dem, an say dat dey stayed da nite. I juss fond dis out an tink dats y I bin celebrated New Years earlier den everybody else. Dat or im Chinese. I don’t know mah daddy.
So now dat da Glue Famine seems like its gonna last longer den me tryin 2 solve a word finder, Perry gotta start tinkin of udda ways 2 make money.
1 way ting da mayor has bin pushin, is ditch tourism. Perry got sum gud ditches 2 luk at an she recently floated arond da idea changin da slogan of Perry from “da glue capital of Vermilion Parish” 2 “come stare at da ditch.”
Dis howeva has not cum witout it’s critics. Mainly mah Taunt Geraldine who lives n da ditch. She had recently bin asked 2 relocate unda da bridge cuz da mayor afraid dat mah Taunt Geraldine will scare peeple away cuz she gotta tootie on her forehead an fuks turtles. Mah Taunt Geraldine has argued dat dis da most excitin ting dat happins n da ditch an will b da reeson y peeple visit Perry. No1 agrees wit mah Taunt Geraldine.
While da mayor bin lukin 4 udda ways 2 increase tourism, I juss bin prayin da Glue Famine wuld stop.
I luv sniffin glue. I wuz da glue sniffin champion of da last 8 Glue Festivals. Witout glue 2 sniff, I feel no purpose. Also I wuz plannin on talkin 2 Ernest later, an now I had nothin 2 access his spirit. Sumtimes wen I get fukd up on glue an watch Ernest movies, I feel like Ernest is right next 2 me tellin me how Toy Story shuld have bin called “Ernest is a dog.” Sumtimes I email Tom Hanks an ask him y he didn’t call “Forest Gump”, “Young Ernest.”
I also feel dat glue got udda purposes besides sniffin it. Like 1 time, I put sum glue on mah hands. At furst wen I put da glue on mah hands it wuz sticky. But den it got hard. An afta a while I wuz able 2 peel it off. It wuz like I wuz sheddin mah skin. An I tink if more peeple use glue n dis way, dey gonna realize dat we r more closely related 2 snakes den originally thought. Luk i undastan dat evolution is a myth, but dat don’t mean snakes can’t b our cousins!
I juss hope da glue famine ends soon. I got 2 help mah son T-T-Claude stick sum construction paper together an I need sum glue 2 sniff 2 help me figure out how 2 git it 2 stay.
Da possums dat live unda mah trailer r currently a nation witout a leader. Last month dere honorable an hideous leader, Bonsoir da possum, passed away. Now dey must hold an election 2 c who will lead dem n2 peeples yards at night 2 hiss at dere pets an make stepdads tink dey saw da devil.
Typically da possums have a chain of command so n da event of a Possum King passin away, he wuld have some1 2 succeed him. Howeva, Bonsoir wuz beleeved 2 b immortal cuz he ate a yankee gumbo an didnt kick da pee bucket. Dere4, he felt no need 2 have a skipper or sum1 teech any1 his diseased marsupial ways. Un4tunately 4 him, beleevin he wuz immortal eventually led 2 his demise as he played chicken wit a combine an got shredded worse den a Popeyes receipt wen I don’t want mah wife 2 know I ate out. Bonsoir wuz da reeson 4 dat cornbread recall at Piggly Wiggly. I wuz able 2 git a hold of some though. I need sumting 2 give me a buzz juss n case I run outta beer.
Da possums take dere elections very seriously an dere r rules 4 runnin 4 possum king.
Da first is dat u gotta b a possum. Da possums made dis rule afta dey elected a catfish dat fell outta sumbodies ice chest on da side of da road. He ran on da ticket of “deres neva bin a catfish possum king b4” an won. Den wen elected, da catfish promised da possums dat he will git dem all da Swiss rolls dey wanted, as long as dey brought him 2 da Gulf Of Mexico. Well, da dey brought him dere. An wen dey got dere he jumped n da water, an wuz neva seen agin. Afta dat, da possums trusted no nonpossum 2 lead dem stating “we don’t know who lives n da Gulf of Mexico an who dont. Cuz we possums an neva got da proper schoolin 2 teech us dat.”
Da only udda rule 2 b possum lord is u gotta know da difference between a road an a bed. Many possums lose dere lives cuz dey tink a road is a bed. An den wen dey see a car cummin down da road dey all like “y da hell a damn car on dis bed? Don’t dey know I’m sleepin!” An den dey git runned over. Sum possums have even tried protestin dat da road is a bed but dey git runned over 2. 1 of dem possums put a dent n mah tricycle!
So witout sum1 n dere possum kingdom dat isn’t realy sure if a road is a bed or not, da possums dat live unda mah trailer have turned 2 outsiders 4 leadership.
Da front runner 4 possum king is currently a possum named Couillier dat lives n da newspaper stand at da gas station. He live n da newsstand 2 save peeple frum reedin da fake news, an da newspaper is comfortable 2 sleep on. Coulier gained popularity afta he pretended he wuz ded n a Pizza Hut. Da Pizza Hut closes 4 da day, an all da possums got 2 eat da buffet.
Cuz of his talent 2 sneek n2 places an pretend 2 play ded an b grosser den every1 else he wuz runnin unopposed.
Den T-Russ did a 23andme an found out he wuz 1 percent possum so he entered himself n da runnin. T-Russ really don’t care abot da possums dat much. He juss won’t live long cuz he got progeria, an wants 2 b arond a group of species dat won’t live longer den him 2 make himself feel betta. Also, T-Russ is gud at crawlin n vents an dat is appealing 2 sum voters.
Whoeva gits elected will face a few challenges regardin da possum kingdom.
Da main 1 is da disappearance of possums frum undaneef mah trailer. Da news sed it juss possums deciding 2 b roadies 4 da Dave Mathiews Band. Stating dat since dey don’t live long dey juss wanna jam. Howeva if u watch da internet deres bin a lot of reports dat dey r bein abducted an sold 2 Build-o-Possum n da mall.
Build-o-Possum is a store n da mall where u can dress up an old ded possum however u want. Dey started afta da owners daughter wuz born wit possum limbs an a possum tail. Da owner noticed his daughter wuz sad wen she played wit Barbies. He sed n da paper “da barbies set unrealistic beauty standards 4 mah daughter cuz of her possum limbs. Also sometimes I hear her n da middle of da night screamin ‘I don’t have rabies Barbie!’ An I wake up an da barbies face is scratched off wit a note by it dat says ‘god did dis 2 me 4 a reeson’. But da hand writing is kinda fucked up cuz of her possum limbs.”
Couillier has promised if elected he will put up some fencing undaneef mah trailer 2 keep da possums frum gettin abducted. Stating dat “we gonna put up fencing an make Gaston pay 4 it.” I can’t afford dat shit so dat not true. Howeva some fencing undaneef mah trailer wuld luk nice so I might juss set up a gofundme 2 raise money 4 dat. Den ima steal Mr. Gerard’s fencing he got undaneef his trailer an use da gofundme money 2 buy a refurbished Sega Dreamcast.
Votin day is cummin up an da polls r showin dat Couillier is gonna win wit 6 votes. Wit 4 of da votes sayin dey gonna vote 4 T-Russ, an da udda 30 possums sayin dey not sure if da votin booth I set up n da u-haul is a trap or not 2 move dem 2 anotha yard.
Whateva happens next Tuesday, I juss hope da u-haul place don’t charge me extra 4 leavin all dem possums n dere. I put it on Mr. Gerard’s credit card so im not dat worried.
Mah fat gross wife Priscilla got stuck n da mud agin tryin 2 git da mail. I told her dat I wuz gonna git da mail, but she sed dat da Sports Illustrated 4 kids swimsuit issue wuz n da mail an da baby frum Family Guy wuz gonna b on it. Priscilla wants 2 eat dat baby, but I sed dat she cant do dat cuz it can talk. It ok 2 eat babys but only if dey cant talk like da 1 on Australian Powers dat Chris Farley tried 2 eat. Priscilla trys 2 eat T-Russ all da time.
Anyway, I told Priscilla “Da doctor sed dat u cant go outside afta it rains cuz da Earth is gonna try an eat u like u wanna eat dat baby.” An She sed “well at leest dats 1 ting dats gonna try an eat me”. Priscilla wuz makin a joke cuz I’m afraid 2 put mah mouth on her tuh-tut. Da reeson y i dont do dat is Im afraid mah face paint gonna git on her tuh-tut an da same peeple dat shot Bruce Lees kid gonna tink her tuh-tut is Da Crow.
So Pricilla stepped outside an she immediately sank 2 her ankles. I knew dis wuz gonna b a process 2 git her out but also I wuz releeved dat it wuz only 2 her ankles an not her tuh-tut.
So I got on da phone wit da towin place an sed “mah fat gross wife Priscilla is fixin 2 git eatin out by da Earth. Can u bring a tow truck?” Dey sed “wut kinda wife u got?” An I sed “a 1973 Kaplan Bus Driver”. An dey sed “we gonna need u 2 sign a waiver sayin we not liable for any damages n case we pull her out an decide 2 take her tiki tubin wit us so we dont have 2 rent a floaty.” An I sed “if she pops on a branch Ima b mad! An yes I can do dat”. I only agreed 2 sign da waiver cuz I cant spell so I can still sue dem. Fernard da garfish lawyer taught me dat scam.
2 hours lata da tow truck showed up. Da mud had now reeched Priscilla’s kneecaps. Da Lege family dat live n Pricilla’s kneepits had 2 evacuate 2 Shreveport.
Da tow truck man got out he truck an sed “Priscilla, dat u?” Priscilla sed “Eloi?” I sed “how y’all kno each udder?” An she sed “he da lass man 2 eat mah tuh-tut”. Den Eloi, who is an alligata, sed “its not mah fault. I thought I wuz steelin crab bait.” I sed 2 Eloi “u lucky I needa liscense 2 shoot u!” An he sed “u not gonna talk 2 me like dat! Im gonna go get Etiennes wife out of a bathtub insted!” An I sed “gud luck fittin all u podnas on her wen u go tiki tubin! She only a 1978 Maurice Bank Teller!” An den he did a donut n mah yard an I thought dat wuz cool.
Afta Eloi left I had 2 tink of anudder plan. All da udda tow truck companies n da area were closed cuz i stole dere tow truck hooks to hang Priscilla’s moo moos out 2 dry.
An den I saw Mr Gerard’s tractor an I remembered dat he leaves his cast-net bak dere. My plan wuz 2 stand on top of da tractor an throw da cast-net on top of Priscilla hed. An den da cast-net wuld wrap around her hair like a hairnet. Afta noticin she had a hairnet on she wuld go cook me a gumbo.
Dis did not happen.
Wen I threw da castnet it did wrap arond her hair. However instead of goin cook me gumbo she pretended she wuz a shrimp an ate a nearby snail. Mr. Gerard came out his trailer 2 yell at me 4 makin noise durin da Price is Right but T-Russ tazed him wit da cattle prong b4 he saw I stole his werk tools. We threw him n da ditch afta so mah Taunt Geraldine culd go out on a date wit him.
2 hours had passed, an da mud had now alredy reeched Priscilla’s belly. Which is fine cuz her belly hang lower den her tuh-tut. However, da Faulk family dat lives n her belly button had 2 call a helicopta 2 bring dem 2 Alexandria.
An den T-Russ reminded me of Mr Comeaux da substitute teecher who prays on bo-bos an makes dem go away. He sed maybe if he prays on Pricilla da mud around her will go away. It sounded crazy but at leest Mr. Comeaux will git 2 talk 2 sumbody dats not farm equipment.
So I went 2 da Agricultural Institute of Pecan Island 2 find Mr. Comeaux. He wuz n da middle of tellin a war story 2 a combine. So I told Mr. Comeaux “Mr. Comeaux, mah wife is bein persuaded 2 have extra marital affairs wit da earth. I need u to pray on her 2 git her out da mud.” He say “ok, but I’m in da middle of a tutorin session. Can it wait?” I sed “u can tutor him an da way dere! Mah wife’s n trouble!” An den da combine tanked me 4 takin him on a field trip.
So 2 days pass b4 we git bak 2 mah house. It tuk so long cuz Mr. Comeaux saw a quail egg at da gas station dat he had 2 talk 2 cuz he knew his daddy.
Wen we got bak Priscilla saw us an sed “hurry. Da earth found out mah belly button ain’t mah tuh-tut an is creepin undaneef mah belly 2 git 2 da reel 1!”
So we git out da combine an Mr. Comeaux went ask Mr. Gerard’s tractor wen he wuz gonna pay him 4 tutorin him bak n 1957. During Mr. Comeaux’s conversation wit da tractor I noticed sumting. Priscilla wuz reedin da Sports Illustrated 4 kids swimsuit issue. I sed Priscilla how u got dat? An she sed “oh. Da mailman saw I wuz stuck an came give it 2 me.” An I sed “oh dats nice of him 2 do. Did he happen 2 say anyting about me bein his son?”
An den mah Taunt Geraldine popped out da ditch an sed “dat a lie! She pulled herself out da mud 2 go git herself!” An den went bak on her date wit Mr. Gerard who wuz bein held down by her turtle children so he culd listen 2 her version of Phil Collins “In da air 2nite” drum solo dat she lerned on da scrub-board.
I luked at Priscilla an sed “is mah beautiful successful aunt speakin da truths.” An Priscilla started 2 poot. Which is a normal ting she did. If Priscilla pooted it usually didnt mean anyting. It wuz wen she wuznt pootin is wen u had 2 worry. 1 time Priscilla stopped pootin an we found out it wuz cuz Pope John Paul died.
But Priscilla wuznt juss pootin. It sounded like “Boop beep. Boop beep.” An I sed “where T-Russ at?” An i herd dem boops an beeps more cumin frum Priscilla’s fonkulot. An I sed “Priscilla! Tell me where T-Russ at?” An Taunt Geraldine popped out da ditch agin an sed “she ate him so he wuldnt tell!” An Pricilla pooted out T-Russ along wit Verne Troyer an John F Kennedy Jr.
An I sed “Priscilla! How u gonna lie 2 me?!” An she sed “I thought u wuld b mad at me!” I sed “Mais I wuldnt b mad. Im juss a lil confused y u went bak n da mud.” An she say “Gaston dis hard 2 say but I wanted da Earth 2 eat mah tuh-tut. U neva eat mah tuh-tut an im tired of trickin alligatas.” An I sed “cuz dey use 2 much teef?”. An she sed “no. It cuz dey not trustworthy tow truck company owners. I know 6 udda ladies who have bin pulled out frum sofas to church pews by dem an it always da same story. Dey take dem 2 use as a raft 2 go tiki tubin, abandon dem half way thru da ride 2 go kill egrets an da ladies have 2 end up livin n da woods.” An I sed “oh dam. Dats y da banks bin hirin.”
Priscilla den say “If u wanna leeve me I undastan. U neva ate mah tuh-tut anyway. U juss tink im gross an fat.” An I sed “yeah u gross an fat. But dat wut I like abot u. I grew up tinkin Meatloaf wuz da sexist lady an I told maself wen I wuz young ‘if I can’t have Meatloaf, Ima git sumbody grosser an fatter.’ An as far as eatin u tuh-tut. U know dat I dont do dat cuz Im scared mah face paint will make u tuh-tut luk like da Crow.” An she sed “Yes tank u 4 protectin me frum peeple dat mad at Bruce Lee. Ima git out da mud now 2 go cook u gumbo.”
An as she wuz abot 2 git out I sed “Priscilla I tink u shud stay n da mud. If u wanna git u tuh-tut ate by da Earth it fine wit me.” An she sed “Really Gaston?!” An I sed “as long as u dont git mud on u tee-tons”. An den I held Priscilla’s hand as da mud slowly crept back up her tuh-tut an we both lukd into each udders eyes an smiled. Dat wuz da start of our polyamorous relationship wit da Earth.
Da Lemaire family dats lived n Priscilla’s tuh-tut were unable 2 evacuate n time. Priscilla’s tuh-tut is no longer available 2 rent, out of respect 4 da deceased Lemaire family.