Da Machinist

Deer Diary,

I finally saw dat Batman movie, “Da Machinist”. I fond it n da new release section of da abandoned Blockbusta. It wuz gud, but I had 1 problem wit it. Y wuz Batman so skinny n dat? Do his wife not know how 2 cook?

So I got on Mr. Gerard’s fancy Sega Dreamcast, an emailed Batman mah fat gross wife Priscilla’s gumbo recipe. I wuz hoping dat he wuld gain sum weight, an hook me up wit a job at dat machine shop. Dem machinists make gud money. Dats y Batman can afford da note on dat Batmobile. I wanna git 1 of dem, an put sum huntin decals on it so da peeple dat r drivin behind me know mah hobbies.

I wrote n da email:

Deer Batman,

U needa eat sum gumbo.

P.S.

U tink u can hook me up wit a job at dat Machine Shop?

Sincerely,

Gaston Hebert

sent frum Mr. Gerard’s fancy Sega Dreamcast

Den I attached mah fat gross wife Priscilla’s gumbo recipe, an mah resume 2 da email.

Da next day, I git a knock on mah door. It wuz Mr. Gerard standin dere wit his fancy Sega Dreamcast.

He sed “Gaston, y mah computah gotta letta 2 Batman written n crayon on it? An wut da hell is dis gumbo recipe an dis note sayin how high u can jump stapled 2 it doin dere?” An I sed “can u make sure dat git 2 Batman? He starvin, an I need a job.” An Mr. Gerard sed “I’m not givin mah computah 2 Batman. Now pressure wash mah computah, or I’m callin da cop!” An I sed “threaten 2 call da cop on me agin, an ima git mah Taunt Geraldine wit da tootie on her forehead dat lives n da ditch 2 kiss u!” Den Mr Gerard went 2 da post office 2 mail his fancy Sega Dreamcast 2 Batman out of fear of bein mah Taunt Geraldine’s new boyfriend.

A couple hours past, an I didn’t hear nuttin bak. I figured his wife fukd up da recipe cuz she a yankee. Den I saw a commercial on da TV 4 dis new Batman movie called “Vice.” N it, Batman wuz da Vice President. I also noticed he wuz very fat. Looks like sumbody ate mah wife’s gumbo.

I wuz excited, yet trouble wen I saw dis.

I wuz excited cuz I had saved Batman frum dyin of starvation, an now he can fight a penguin (a penguin is a bird dat walks an swims cuz he wants 2 b human. Batman must fight him 2 let him know he a bird, an not a human).

I wuz troubled cuz I felt betrayed cuz he ate mah wife’s gumbo, an didnt hook me up wit a job at da machine shop. Now, it 1 ting 2 eat mah wife’s gumbo cuz she cooked it 4 u. But it’s aunnda ting 4 u 2 now own mah wife’s gumbo recipe, an not hook me up wit a job at dat machine shop. Dere’s an old sayin dat goes “eat mah wife’s gumbo cuz she cooked it 4 u, dats ok. Eat mah wife’s gumbo cuz I emailed u her recipe, den u betta hook me up wit a job at dat machine shop u wuz werkin at, or ima kidnap u, an use u as a reference 2 git a job at dat machine shop aginst u will.” An I wuz gonna make damn sure Batman respected da law.

Later dat evening I saw dat Batman wuz nominated 4 a Golden Globe 4 playin Vice President Batman. Dis gave me da idea. I wuz gonna sneak n2 da Golden Globes, an kipnap him dere so I can bring him 2 da machine shop down da road, an use him as a reference 2 git a job at dat machine shop.

Dere wuz 1 problem wit dat tho, u gotta luk like a celebrity 2 sneak n da Golden Globes. I don’t. Sure, I luk kinda like da Crow, but he bin dead 4 a while. I also luk a lil bit like da Joker, but he bin dead 4 a while 2. I even look similar 2 Gene Simmons, but he a Jew. However, mah lil cousin T-Russ dat got progeria luk like da baby version of Brad Pitt n “Da Curious Case of Benjamin Button”, an he still alive.

I den got mah plan 2 sneak n. T-Russ wuz gonna b da baby frum da Curious Case of Benjamin Button, an I wuz gonna b his date. So I asked T-Russ 2 cum help me kidnap Batman. He agreed cuz Batman lives n a cave, an T-Russ wuz born n a cave. An maybe Batman culd help T-Russ find his birth certificate so he can know how old he is.

So mah lil cousin T-Russ an me got dressed, an took mah airboat 2 Hollywood. T-Russ wore his best tuxedo, an I wore a crawfish dress mah Taunt Geraldine lent me dat she wears wen she’s tryin 2 mate wit crawfish durin da off season.

We arrived at da Golden Globes juss as da red carpet started. T-Russ an me went up 2 security 2 walk on da red carpet, an I sed “dis mah husband, da baby man frum Benjamin Button. Let us walk on dat carpet.” Da security man sed “Brad Pitt has a restrainin order against u husband 4 tryin 2 steal his eyebrow hair. Please leave.” I sed “aww man” an den walked bak 2 da airboat 2 devise a new plan. As we wuz walkin bak 2 da airboat, Catherine Zelda-Jones saw us an sed “Ay Lady Gaga an mah Father-n-Law Kirk Douglas! Y’all goin da wrong way! Cum wit me!” So Catherine Zelda-Jones led us n2 da Golden Globes cuz she thought T-Russ wuz Kirk Douglas an I wuz Lady Gaga.

Durin da Golden Globes, I won da award 4 best original song. I gave a speech abot how da Golden Globes shuld b called da Copper Flat Earths. Durin mah speech I saw Batman, an it reminded y I wuz dere n da first place.

So I got off stage, an went see T-Russ so we culd administrate da plan. He wuz n da middle of suckin on Catherine Zelda-Jones’ tee-tons, as is tradition 4 Kirk Douglas 2 do durin da Golden Globes.

Da plan wuz 4 T-Russ 2 git Batman 2 help him tee-tee n da bathroom. An as Batman wuz pullin down T-Russ’s pants, T-Russ wuld den poot an apple n2 his mouth. I wuld den hogtie Batman, an escort him out da Golden Globes 2 mah airboat. An if security wuld ask questions as 2 y I was draggin Batman 2 mah airboat, I wuld tell dem dat dis pig(Batman) tried 2 attack Kirk Douglas.

Well, I went up 2 Batman wit T-Russ at mah side an sed “hello Batman. I am Lady Gaga. Dis is Kirk Douglas. He need 2 go tee-tee. Can u help him tee-tee n da bathroom? He need sum1 2 pull down his pants so he can tee-tee. An wen u pull down his pants, make sure u face is at his butt.” An Batman sed “ok.”

So Batman took T-Russ n2 da bathroom, an I followed close behind. Dey den went 2 da urinal, an Batman helped T-Russ take down his pants 2 tee-tee. Wen Batman got face level 2 T-Russ’s butt, da apple did not cum out. T-Russ tried 2 poot, but nuttin happened. Batman den sed “Mr. Kirk Douglas. U gotta apple n u butt. Mind if I pull it out wit mah teef?” Den Batman pulled da apple out of T-Russ’s butt wit his teef. I den hogtied him, an brought him 2 mah airboat. On da way out, peeple complimented me on mah dress, an mah pet pig.

While on da airboat, Batman wuz askin me all kinda questions like “wut wuz it like werkin wit Bradley Cooper”, an “do I got a tootie or tuh-tut”. I sed “Bradley Cooper is gud welder” an “tooties an tuh-tuts r a social construct”.

We eventually got 2 da machine shop down da road frum mah house, Down Da Road Machine Shop. Wen we got dere, I brought Batman up 2 da owner, Sammy Babineaux. I sed “Mr. Sammy. Dis Batman. He used 2 b a machinist. He’s here 2 give me a reference.” Mr Sammy den sed “Gaston, dats Christian Bale. He a actor dat played a machinist n a movie. How times I gotta tell u dat u can’t git a job here by kidnapping a machinist reference?” Batman den sed “hold on. Dats not Lady Gaga? I’m leaving!” Den Batman hopped 2 da road 2 git a uber bak 2 Hollywood. Howeva, b4 he got 2 da road he saw mah Taunt Geraldine n da ditch an sed “Oh damn. Da real Lady Gaga.” Den him an mah Taunt Geraldine went on a date n da ditch.

I wuz sad. I guess I had missed mah chance 2 b a machinist. I wuz neva gonna b able 2 afford 2 put huntin decals on mah batmobile now.

Den as I wuz abot 2 leave, a large rodent wit wings approached me an Mr. Sammy. He introduced himself 2 us sayin “hello, mah name is Jean-Phillipe Batman. Da mail pelican recently delivered me a computah wit a gumbo recipe an resume attached 2 it. I followed da recipe, an da gumbo wuz very gud. I also lukd at Gaston’s resume, an he can jump over a fire hydrant. As a former machinist at Behind Da Walmart Machine Shop, I wuld like 2 recommend Gaston 4 a job at u Machine Shop.” Den Mr. Sammy sed “damn, u jump high. Ur hired Gaston”, an he gave me a drug test.

Well, I passed da drug test cuz dey don’t test 4 sniffin glue, an I started werkin dere da next Monday. Mr. Sammy hired me 2 sweep da floors, an listen 2 his daddy talk nonsense. It may have bin an entry level position, but at least I wuz livin mah dream. I owed it all 2 Jean-Philippe Batman 4 havin da last name Batman.

As 4 da udda Batman. Dis weekend he is up 4 best actor at da Academy Awards. He is taken mah Taunt Geraldine as his date who he tinks is Lady Gaga. Hopefully both Batman an mah Taunt Geraldine git gold dat nite dat dey can sell 2 da scrap yard.