Mah James Carville statue’s nose fell off. Now I gotta find a trust worthy statue refurbisher 2 put his nose bak on. I don’t want peeple 2 tink he got syphilis. He’s n a domestic partnership wit mah Billy Big Mouth Bass, an if peeple start tinkin dat he sleepin arond it gonna put a strain on dere relationship. I really don’t wanna have to hang mah Billy Big Mouth Bass n anudda room.
Not only is me replacin his nose gonna save dere relationship, it gonna make me feel betta abot stealin him frum da park.
Da James Carville statue originally belonged 2 da city. It wuz n da park sittin at a picnic table. Da city put it dere 4 wen eva u feel u needed 2 argue wit a libtard afta u finish poisonin da slide wasps.
Well 1 day I wuz on da swing at da park afta a long day poisonin da slide wasps. An as I wuz on da swing, I realized dere wuz nobody dere 2 push me. Den I saw dat James Carville statue sittin dere an I went up 2 him an sed “ay man. Can u push me?” He didn’t say nuttin. Den I sed “ay. I can’t go high unless sumbody pushes me.” He still wuz silent. Den I sed “u gonna answer me or what?” Not a werd. Den I sed “tell me exactly how Obama wuz betta den Trump!” An he wuz quitter den a rooster durin an eclipse. Den I sed “typical snowflake” an I felt betta.
I went home dat nite an I thought 2 mahself, “a statue I culd argue wit wud luk gud n mah trailer.” So I got mah red wagon, an I went take da James Carville statue frum da park.
Now sum peeple gonna be like “oh Gaston, u stole dat James Carville statue frum da park? Dat not nice!” An I will say 2 dat “no. I merely removed a statue dat stood 4 sumting dat I did not believe n.” Luk, if dey gonna take down da confederate statues, den I got da rite 2 remove any statues of peeple dat luk like da six flags man! How u gonna have 6 flags, an not include da confederate flag?
4 a while, peeple were wonderin wut happined 2 da James Carville statue. Da pigeons mostly threw a fit cuz dey didn’t have anywhere puh-poo now.
I heard all abot dis commotion tho. So 2 make sure I didn’t git arrested, I put Juggalo makeup on mah James Carville statue. Dat way wen Officer Duhon wud cum 2 mah house 2 investigate, he wuld tink it wuz mah Paw Paw.
Well sure enuf, Officer Duhon came ova an thought it wuz mah paw paw. Den Officer Duhon, who has a pecan 4 a head, sed “sorry 2 bother u. Please tell u paw paw to not put me in a bag 2 give 2 his grandchildren.”
Mah James Carville statue sits at mah card playin table n mah livin room. He a gud card player 2. U can neva know wut kinda hand he has cuz he always luks mad. Sumtimes I try 2 cheer him up by sayin “ay man. U more handsome den Howie Mandel!”, but den I realize dat im abot 2 lose mah money 2 a statue, dere4 I disregard his feelings.
I like mah James Carville statue mostly cuz it’s a conversation piece. Everybody dat cum 2 mah house 4 parties has a conversation wit it. Peeple like him cuz he always makes eye contact, an he don’t seem 2 mind wen u put gum on him. Mah guests always tell me “tank u 4 u party Gaston. I tink u fren had a stroke.” An I say “it cool. He a statue.” An dey say “I wuz talkin abot dat man on da floor.” An den I call da ambulance 2 let dem know wut a gud party thrower I am.
Mah James Carville statue is not mah furst conversation piece tho. A couple yeers ago I got a “Alexandria.” Its like an “Alexa” except it’s a crab. Wen I cum home I yell “Alexandria, turn on da Sega Dreamcast!” An den da lil crab turns on da Sega Dreamcast wit its lil claws. I tuk a while 2 git mah Alexandria 2 werk tho. But afta I threatened 2 boil it if it kept pinchin mah toes, it started werkin betta den a push mower that caught its owner eyeing a zero-turn mower.
But now dat mah James Carville statue’s nose fell off, nobody gonna wanna have a conversation wit it. I don’t know if u eva had a conversation wit sumbody witout a nose, but dere r certain tings dat r off limits. Like u can’t ask dem 2 git inside u car 2 see if it smell like da river, an u can’t ask dem 2 share a bottle of glue 2 sniff as u wonder y frogs jump instead of walk upright.
Mah James Carville statue’s nose came off afta it wuz attacked by T-Russ. T-Russ always had sumting against mah James Carville Statue cuz he thought it wuz a statue of him. Sumtimes he wuld whisper “boops” an “beeps” n2 James Carville’s ear dat translate n2 “u will not replace me.”
So 1 day, T-Russ came n2 mah house 2 borrow sum Tony Chaceres 2 put arond his bed 2 keep da swamp witches away. Well, wen he walked n, he thought he heard mah James Carville statue singin “Achy Breaky Heart”, which is da only werds T-Russ know how 2 say dat everybody undastan. Now, dis wuz not mah James Carville statue, but rather mah Billy Big Mouth Bass dat hang directly above mah James Carville statue.
T-Russ didn’t realize dis cuz he wuz drunk off pesticides. So wen he walked n mah house he bit James Carville’s nose off. It tuk a while 4 him 2 chew it off tho cuz James Carville is made out of stone. Howeva, T-Russ’s teeth have sharpened throughout the da yeers of him refusing 2 peel crawfish b4 he ate dem so he eventually got it off.
T-Russ has since apologized, but I told him dat we’ve all bin dere. 1 time I shot da TV cuz I thought Gene Simmons wuz mah clone.
I juss gotta find a trust worthy statue refurbisher. I’ve bin scammed b4 by dis man who I thought wuz gonna replace da spine of mah Christopher Reeves ridin a horse statue. Turned out he just sold it 2 da city of New Orleans so dey cud eventually replace dere Andrew Jackson ridin a horse statue. It made me mad, but I guess it’s betta den da guy who turned Mr Gerard’s Sony Bono skiing statue n2 gravel so he culd extend his driveway. Dats sum of da best money I eva made.
I guess I culd ask da man dat own da Confederate Statue Park n Cossinade if he culd help me out. Da Confederate Statue Park n Cossinade is a park wit all da confederate statues dat got taken down n New Orleans. Da owner does a gud job of preserving dem, an also gives dem tooties. He gives da confederate statues tooties so he, an other visitors, can suk da tooties of confederate generals. Dey say if u suk a confederate monument’s tootie long enuf, u gonna git sum lil confederate baby’s in u mouth 2 help u start a militia.
Anyways, I figure if dat man can give all dem statues tooties, he culd probably put a nose on James Carville statue. If not, I can juss steal General Lee’s tootie, an used it as James Carville’s nose. It abot da same size.
I juss hope dat whoeva fixes mah James Carville statue does a gud job so I don’t have 2 move mah Billy Big Mouth Bass 2 anudda room. N da werds of James Carville, “I neva seen an albino alligata dat I didn’t ask 4 directions.”