Da Glue Famine

Dis a map dat prove da Earth is flat

Deer diary,

Perry, mah home unincorporated community, is n a recession. Wut is known as da Glue Sniffin Capital Of Vermilion Parish is now strugglin cuz of da Glue Famine. Businesses r doin bad an I don’t got anyting 2 sniff wen I mow udda peeples yards witout dere permission. I don’t wanna have 2 move 2 Milton, da WD-40 huffin capital of Lafayette Parish.

I like livin n Perry more den I like namin frogs dat I see jump out da commode. It quite, it nice, an it has a bridge.

Perry is a small unincorporated community located behind Abbeville. It wuz founded by Perry, a man who’s mama forgot 2 give him a last name. He founded Perry afta he woke up dere drunk. N da Perry Declaration of Independence it says, “Mais I don’t know how 2 git home so ima juss build me a house rite here. If u see mah wife, tell her 2 b nice 2 da dog.”

More peeple started movin 2 Perry afta dey woke up dere drunk. An since everybody wuz always drunk, nobody seemed 2 care abot if u sniffed glue r not. Dis attracted all da peeple 2 dat liked 2 sniff glue 2 honeymoon dere. Soon businesses an activities involvin glue sniffin started 2 pop up. An wut wuz once juss a glue sniffin honeymoon spot, bcame a glue sniffin travel destination 4 even peeple dat no1 will eva luv.

By da mid 2000s, Perry wuz named “numba 1 Glue Sniffin Destintion n Vermilion Parish” by a dat man on travel channel wit da earring. Perry’s economy wuz makin more money den mah lil cousin T-Russ at a Curious Case of Benjamin Button Convention.

Yea he rite!

Den da glue famine hit, an da money stopped.

Da glue dat Perry gits is made by a bunch of cows n Cow Island. It’s called Moo Glue an it’s da best 2 sniff. An while da glue is da best 2 sniff, da werkin conditions 4 da cows r less ideal.

Da cows face harsh werkin conditions like dey can’t luk at dere phone durin dere shift, an dey have 2 wear steel toed boots even though tennis shoes r more comfortable.

Da ting though dat triggered da glue famine wuz dey bosses tuk da foosball table out dere brake room 4 repairs. Da cows were fine wit dis at furst stating “it tuk a while 4 us 2 realize dat da grass on da foosball table wuznt real. We will wait patiently while da repair man puts real grass on da table.”

But den several months passed an dere wuz no foosball table. 2 keep da cows entertained on dere lunch, da bosses put a punchin bag machine n da brake room. It broke da furst day cuz a bull ran head first n2 it cuz it’s red. Afta dis happined, da bosses started makin da cows werk ovatime wit no time an a half. Den made a rule dat nobody’s boyfriend culd b n da brake room. Dis is wen da cows went on strike wit da help of dat cow dat helped Chic-fil-a not cook cows.

Y’all tink dat cow is big or what?

An while da glue bosses were waitin 4 da cows 2 cum home, da community of Perry wuz sufferin.

Da furst businesses 2 feel dat wuz da Glue Sniffin themed establishments like Crocheting Wit a Twist. Dats a company dat u can git fucked up on glue an crochet a fluer de lis eye patch or sew up an old wound. It perfect 4 a bachelorette party 4 u 2nd marriage or a team buildin exercise 4 u militia. But since da Glue Famine hit, Crocheting wit a Twist has bin closed an most of da peeple dat werk dere had 2 git udda jobs dat dey culdnt b high at.

Den dey canceled glue sniffin activities like da Glue Crawl. Da Glue Crawl wuz wen u wuld brake n2 da elementary school on weekends, an go class 2 class sniffin glue until da custodian dat lives n da boiler room wuld wake up 2 tank u 4 bein his alarm clock. But now since da Glue Famine hit, da custodian has no1 2 talk 2 on da weekends.

An now dat da glue tourism industry is on hiatus, udda Perry businesses dat benefited frum glue tourism r sad as well.

1 of dese is da brunch spot, Le Petit Patots. Da owner of Le Petit Patots sed dat since da glue famine started, she has noticed a decline n customers passin out at tables frum sniffin 2 much glue. Peeple high on glue used 2 pass out at Le Petite Patots, an wen dis wuld happen da owner wuld charge dem 4 an overnight stay. Dey wuld only b asleep 4 an hour or so. But da owner wuld lie 2 dem, an say dat dey stayed da nite. I juss fond dis out an tink dats y I bin celebrated New Years earlier den everybody else. Dat or im Chinese. I don’t know mah daddy.

Priscilla made dis 4 mah eye dat not as big as da udda.

So now dat da Glue Famine seems like its gonna last longer den me tryin 2 solve a word finder, Perry gotta start tinkin of udda ways 2 make money.

1 way ting da mayor has bin pushin, is ditch tourism. Perry got sum gud ditches 2 luk at an she recently floated arond da idea changin da slogan of Perry from “da glue capital of Vermilion Parish” 2 “come stare at da ditch.”

Dis howeva has not cum witout it’s critics. Mainly mah Taunt Geraldine who lives n da ditch. She had recently bin asked 2 relocate unda da bridge cuz da mayor afraid dat mah Taunt Geraldine will scare peeple away cuz she gotta tootie on her forehead an fuks turtles. Mah Taunt Geraldine has argued dat dis da most excitin ting dat happins n da ditch an will b da reeson y peeple visit Perry. No1 agrees wit mah Taunt Geraldine.

While da mayor bin lukin 4 udda ways 2 increase tourism, I juss bin prayin da Glue Famine wuld stop.

I luv sniffin glue. I wuz da glue sniffin champion of da last 8 Glue Festivals. Witout glue 2 sniff, I feel no purpose. Also I wuz plannin on talkin 2 Ernest later, an now I had nothin 2 access his spirit. Sumtimes wen I get fukd up on glue an watch Ernest movies, I feel like Ernest is right next 2 me tellin me how Toy Story shuld have bin called “Ernest is a dog.” Sumtimes I email Tom Hanks an ask him y he didn’t call “Forest Gump”, “Young Ernest.”

RIP Ernest.

I also feel dat glue got udda purposes besides sniffin it. Like 1 time, I put sum glue on mah hands. At furst wen I put da glue on mah hands it wuz sticky. But den it got hard. An afta a while I wuz able 2 peel it off. It wuz like I wuz sheddin mah skin. An I tink if more peeple use glue n dis way, dey gonna realize dat we r more closely related 2 snakes den originally thought. Luk i undastan dat evolution is a myth, but dat don’t mean snakes can’t b our cousins!

I juss hope da glue famine ends soon. I got 2 help mah son T-T-Claude stick sum construction paper together an I need sum glue 2 sniff 2 help me figure out how 2 git it 2 stay.

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