T-T-Claude’s Playhouse

Mah son T-T-Claude picked up his grades so I built him a playhouse. I told him I wuz gonna do dis hopes he wuz gonna forgit but I guess he at dat age where he remembas tings. He 6 but da doctor say 27. Wen da doctor told me dis I sed “how da hell u gonna tell me T-T-Claude is 27 wen I saw him crawl out Priscilla’s tuh-tut 6 years ago afta she got bak frum a bus driver convenshun n da Philippines?” An da doctor sed “his name is Nanook Pew Pew an he’s wanted 4 war crimes n da Philippines.” An I sed “his name is T-T-Claude Hebert an he frum Perry.” Yankees always try 2 ova pronounce Cajun werds.

T-T-Claude had a hard time last semester cuz he got caught gamblin wit da 4-H pig. Dis went against 1 of da skool rules which states “Don’t play cards wit da 4-H pig cuz he is a recoverin gamblin addict.” Da 4-H pig spent da early 00’s goin 2 casinos an wastin all he money on da penny slots cuz he thought da cherries were real. Afta gettin kicked out of every casino n south louisiana 4 gettin mud on da slot machines, he started goin 2 unda ground texas hold um tournamints n hopes of findin cherries. Dis led him 2 lernin how 2 play texas hold um n hopes dat maybe da cherry man wuz juss late. But as you may have guessed alredy, da cherry man got stuck n traffic on da Atchafalaya Bridge.

How dat pig grow hair like dat?

Since T-T-Claude got caught gamblin wit dat degenerate gambler pig, da skool dropped all his test scores 1 letta grade as punishmint. But dis semesta he picked dem up an I am so proud. He got a “B” n stickin forks n electrical sockits (stuck a spork n 1 time). He got a “A” n disrespectin da student teacher’s pronouns (he insisted on callin da teecher cooyon). An he got a “D” n not bein 27 an a former warlord frum da Philippines (he wore a hat an sunglasses 2 skool 1 day an it threw dem off).

So wen T-T-Claude came home wit dem betta grades I started buildin him a playhouse. T-T-Claude had bin askin me 4 a playhouse 4 a while now. He sed bak wen he lived da Philippines (he mean Perry. He got a lisp), him an his frens used 2 hang out n da playhouse an play paddycake while plottin which villages 2 burn down. Dis got me excited n hopes dey’d burn down sum nearby villages 2 Perry so we culd have a bonfire, an maybe he culd teech me dat paddycake game while a bank wuz on fire. Ive lerned many hand games durin bonfires, but neva none dat wuznt wit a uncle dat made me feel gud but bad at da same time.

I eventually finished buildin da playhouse afta I got da book on tape 4 da playhouse instructions. It had a swing 2 catapult satsumas n2 mah nieghbor’s backyard. It had a slide 2 lay on wen u havin a agrument wit u wife an wanna look at da sky but dont wanna git grass on u bak. It had monkey bars 2 hang pants on 4 geese 2 git stuck n. It even had a sand box 2 confuse me wen I tink abot da 3 states of matter.

Tell dat goose I want mah jeans back!

It had everyting an T-T-Claude luved it. Da furst day it wuz built he went n dere wit a box marked “booze frum da phillippines”(he must b phonetically spellin out Perry wit his lisp) an put up a sign dat sed “T-T-Claude’s Playhouse. Open 5pm – 4am. A warlord does not own dis bar.” Now even tho I wuz glad T-T-Claude finally got him a playhouse 2 plot destruction, da sign worried me a lil bit. Open 5pm – 4am? How am I supposed 2 shoot satsumas at Mr. Gerard wen he mows his grass at 2pm everyday if da playhouse don’t open 4 anudda 3 hours? Maybe I culd hide his lawnmower keys until da bar opened.

It tuk abot a month 4 werd 2 spred arond Vermilion Parish dat T-T-Claude’s Playhouse wuz da spot 2 b at. Soon peeple frum all ova came cuz T-T-Claude’s playhouse closed an hour lata den all da bars n Maurice. So at abot 3:15 am every night dey had a bunch of peeple park n our yard 2 git dem last coors lights b4 dey drove bak home drunker den wut dey came, or git kidnapped by mah Taunt Geraldine dat lives n da ditch. T-T-Claude’s Playhouse gave da community a service it wuz n desperate need of, an mah Taunt Geraldine new frens dat miss dere families.

T-T-Claude an da udda side of da sign.

Not only did T-T-Claude’s Playhouse make sure da roads were scary 4 an extra hour, it also became a place where da community culd lift each udda up n time of need. For example: wen Pleofold Gautreaux (da man wit a dent n his head da shape of Captain Jack Sparrow) sneezed an it made da Captain Jack Sparrow shaped dent lose his pirate hat, T-T-Claude sold jambalaya plate lunches 2 pay 4 a professional dirt biker 2 run over Pleofold’s head. Afta several unsuccessful attempts 2 put a pirate hat sized dent bak n his head, Pleofold settled 4 Captain Jack 2 have a furry Queen Guard hat. Pleofold wuz still able 2 git his Disney Store discount.

Every1 n da community did not appreciate T-T-Claude’s Playhouse though. Da biggest critic wuz mah lil cousin T-Russ who’s shed he lived n wuz right next 2 da bar. T-Russ had 2 git up 2 werk at da potato farm early n da mornin an he wuld always wake 2 his tricycle bein double parked. T-Russ wuld den have 2 go n2 da Playhouse an have 2 ask arond 2 c whos vehicle wuz blockin n his tricycle. But cuz T-Russ speaks n boops an beeps, everybody thought he wuz da police so dey all left 1 by 1. It worked out n da end, but nobody felt comfortable sharin stories wit him abot times dey purchased 1 beer dey took out of a 6 pack at a gas station.

T-T-Claude’s Playhouse stayed opened until it mysteriously caught on fire 1 day, an T-T-Claude left me a note dat sed “goin on a long field trip. See u eventually.” It bin several months an I still haven’t herd bak frum T-T-Claude. I juss hope he havin a gud time but i do miss him. I know dat pig dat cums ova every day lukin 4 him wantin his cherries misses him 2.

T-Russ wuz mad!

Quail Huntin

Deer diary,

Several yeers bak, me an T-Russ saw dat movie “Wedding Cashiers.”  It was da story abot dese 2 men who wuld go 2 weddings lukin 4 ladys 2 work da register at dere gas stations.  Dey neva fond a cashier but dey did sex a lot of ladies.  So it wuz a gud movie.

Dere wuz 1 scene particle dat caught mah attention.  It wuz wen da man wit da big nose sed “I don’t even kno wut da fuk a quail is” while he wuz quail huntin.  Dat got me tinkin. I don’t kno wut da fuk a quail is eidda, but I wanna hunt 4 one. If dat man wit da big nose can hunt 4 quail witout knowin wut da fuk it is, so can I. I meen dats how our 4 daddy’s discovered America.

So me an T-Russ got our guns an went lukin 4 sum quail n da woods.  Our plan wuz we were gonna shoot da furst bird we didn’t recognize. Sure enuf, afta abot an hour of waitin n da woods, me an T-Russ saw a bird we neva seen. So I aimed mah rifle, an shot dat rascal down like Denis da Menace shot down dat plane b4 it hit da Pentagon.

I quickly got T-Russ 2 go get dat quail an bring it bak 2 me. I usually hunt wit a dog, but T-Russ wanted 2 carry sumtin n his mouf so I let him b da dog dis time. He’s a gud dog. T-Russ came bak wit a large creature n his mouf an I sed “damn. I didn’t figure a quail wuld b dat big.” T-Russ sed “boop. Beep” cuz he has progeria an speeks n boops an beeps.

Den all of a sudden I start hearin dese weird noises frum da woods. It wuz a bunch of creatures goin “shamalama doop deep. Ching chong boop boop beep.”

I sed “T-Russ, did da progeria school 4 old man baby welders schedule a field trip 2 da woods 2day?” An he sed “teep toop”. An I sed “oh sorry. I forgot dey lost dere field trip fundin afta dey scarred Bobby Jindal at Chuck E. Cheese.”

Den out of da woods appeared a group of men dancin like dey had ants n dere pants.  Except dey had no pants, only socks on dere tooties.  Den da 1 wit a mohawk spoke.  He sed “Good mornin. Tippy toppy dewy.  We r da Anthony Kiedis Tribe.  Bingy Bappy booey.  All of us have done stunts 4 Anthony Kiedis n Red Hot Chili Pepper music videos dere4 we call our selves da Anthony Keidis Tribe. Shamama chingy Chewy.  It appears u have shot 1 of our own.  shamalamma doobie.”  

“Im sorry.  I thought he wuz a Quail.” I sed 2 stand mah ground.

Den da mohawk 1 sed “Well, it not a quail.  Pippy poppy pooey.”

An as me an T-russ started 2 run da Anthony Kiedis tribe memba sed “Don’t worry.  Babba Bouy.  U actually shot da guy who did stunts on da Around da Werld music video.  He used 2 aggravate da fuk out of us cuz he thought he knew Chinese.  He actually didnt, an wuz n fact juss speekin jibberish which wuz our native tongue b4 da Christian Missionaries tried 2 civilize us.  We glad he ded.  Hope u find a quail!  Tinga tinga tong a jinga jing jong.”  Den dey gave T-Russ a sock 2 play wit an sent us on our way.  It wuz quite da relief dat dey weren’t mad.  Last time i ran away frum somebody wit 1 sock, it wuz cuz I wuz crackin dere toes wen dey were sleepin.  Orphanages have tighter security den u wuld tink!

Even tho da Anthony Kiedises weren’t mad, I did commit homicide so had 2 talk 2 da game warden.  Me an T-Russ went see Leopold da Game Warden Duck at entrance of da woods.  I sed  “Leopold.  I thought dat Anthony Kiedis wuz a quail.  Can I please keep mah huntin liscense?”  Den Leopold sed “How many bread u got?” And I sed “I brought 2 loafs.” And he sed “break da bread up an throw it on da ground, an Ima pretend dis neva happined.” So I broke up all da bread, threw it on da ground, Leopold ate it, an I wuz able 2 continue mah hunt 4 quail.  Leopold sadly wuz arrested a couple yeers lata 4 acceptin bribes frum an unda cova wildlife an fisheries agent.  He wuz sentenced 2 live wit a family dat ate paleo. 

Da most powerful duck n da land

Afta I wuz cleared by Leopold, I decided 2 google wut a quail wuz so I didn’t shoot anudda Anthony Kiedis.  Frum wut I saw, a quail is bird wit a tootie on its forehead.  So me an T-Russ went bak n2 da woods n search of da tootie bird.  But b4 we culd git bak 2 da woods, sumtin wit a tootie on its head popped out of da ditch an T-Russ shot it.  It wuz mah Taunt Geraldine who lives n da ditch.  Wen I saw it wuz mah Taunt, I went check on her an sed “Taunt Geraldine.  I didnt know u wuz a quail.”  Taunt Geraldine den exclaimed “I ain’t no Quail!  Is mah tootie bleedin?”  Me an T-Russ both nodded yes an mah Taunt den asked us 2 removed da bandaid dat wuz on her kneecap an place it on her tootie.  Taunt Geraldine wuz always gud at recyclin.

Mah Taunt den asked us y we shot her an we sed we wuz huntin 4 quail an we thought she wuz 1.  Taunt Geraldine den sed “oh yall lukin 4 quail?  I dated a quail n high school.  Lemme bring yall 2 his house.”

Me, T-Russ, an Taunt Geraldine den arrived at dis mansion n da woods.  It wuz a plantation style house an dere wuz Anthony Kiedis’s tendin 2 da garden an teachin horses how 2 ribbon dance.  I sed “damn Taunt Geraldine.  U ex boyfren is fancy.”  She den told us da story of da Noble Quail family dat has bin livin n dis house 4 many generations.  She sed dat bak n day dey were opera singers, den hunters herd dem sing an based da way dey call quail off of dem.  Out of appreciation, da hunters built dem dis house so dey could live n peace until quail season.

We knocked on da door an were greeted by a Anthony Kiedis who sed “shamma lamma ding-dong.  How R u?  Dis is a Quail’s house.  Shanga danga doo.”  Mah Taunt Geraldine den sed 2 da domesticated Anthony Kiedis “I used 2 fuk Constantino da Noble Quail.  Where he at?”  Den da Anthony Kiedis servant sed “hes on a date wit a croissant n da bak.  Yang bang krang dang pew pew!”  Da Anthony Kiedis servant den lead us 2 da bak where Constantino wuz n da middle of explainin how he wants 2 put sum septic tanks on sum land he has n Leroy.  Da croissant did not looked impressed, howevea it was hard 2 tell cuz it wuz covered n buttah. 

Taunt Geraldine den interupted dere date by sayin “Constantino!  U memba wen u used 2 fuk me?”  Da Quail den sed “Madam, yes.  It wuz nice.  Wut bring u here?  Cant u see Im n da middle of tryin 2 seduce dis croissant?”  Taunt Geraldine den sed “yea i see dat.  An I appoligize 4 interruptin.  U date looks lovely covered n buttah wit its crunchy brown features an is shaped like da moon.  I came here today cuz mah nephews were huntin 4 quail an u a quail so I figured dey culd shoot u.”

Constantino den looked at anger at his Anthony Kiedis servant an sed “I cant beleeve dis shit.  Y da fuk u didnt tell me it wuz quail huntin season?  Bring me mah Quail season wardrobe.”  Constantino wuz den dressed n a robe covered n decorations wit sum nice boots, an asked us 2 join him n da front lawn.

Wen we got 2 da lawn he sed “ok.  Ive bin waitin 2 be hunted since da day I wuz born.  Every 1 of mah ancestors has bin shot on dis lawn out of respect 4 our opera singin ancestors.  I will b walkin n da front lawn admirin da satsuma trees.  Ur job is 2 shoot me but don’t mess up mah coat or boots.  I am da last of da Noble Quails cuz I am infertile which is y I choose 2 fuk croissants now.  So my death must b perfect as it is truly an end 2 an era.  Pleese repekt mah wishes.”  Me an T-Russ agreed an den T-Russ shot Constantino n da hed right away.  We all ate Constantino dat nite except 4 da croissant who juss stared at her plate da whole time.  Probably sad we shot her date. 

Rip

I went visit da old Quail house da uddda day 2 check up on da Anthony Kiedis Tribe dat lives dere now since Constantino died.  I was informed by its new owners, da Partridge Family, dat da Anthony Kiedis tribe wuz wiped out due da stds mah Taunt Geraldine gave dem. 

I will neva 4git mah furst quail hunt an da kindness of da Anthony Kiedis tribe showed me an mah family.

 

 

Josephine Da Depression Crawfish

Deer Diary,

Mah brane health bin actin up an im feelin like da weight of da flat earth is on mah shoulders. I don’t wanna go outside 2 luk at da ditch. Goin frog huntin n mah closet don’t even sound appealin 2 me. I juss wish I had da strength 2 git on YouTube 2 watch chickens git n altercations. I got da depression.

Depression cum n many shapes an circles, but mine is a crawfish. Every now an den a crawfish named Josephine da Depression Crawfish crawls n2 mah brane 2 bum me out. She tell me tings like “mah daddy is boudin stuffin an mah momma is an etouffee” an it makes me sadder den a unpainted shed.

Josephine da Depression Crawfish always seems 2 crawl n2 mah brane wen crawfish season starts 2 make me feel bad abot eatin her family. I try an say “git out mah brane, mudbug. Dat not mah problem” but she cum bak wit “da ponds where I live have bin pillaged 4 u kinds pleasure. U will listen 2 mah stories Clown!”

Luk, I undastan dat crawfishes have a hard life, but y do I gotta b reminded of dat? I pay taxes on mah stolen furniture an stopped makin fun of Vietnamese peeple 2 dere face on sundays. Don’t I do enuf 2 live mah life n peace?

Ima eat her 1 day

Dats not da way it is tho so I must find ways of dealin wit it. 1 way I deal wit mah depression is I put a water hose n mah ear 2 c if dat will drive Josephine da Depression Crawfish out da udda ear. Wen dat don’t werk I luk n da mirror an give mah self positive affirmentashuns like “drinkin whisky every day DOES make u a gud dad” an “neva makin u wife cum is actually an accomplishment”.

I have gone 2 Samuel da Puppet Therapist 2 git help. Unfortunately da cricket puppet dat told antisocialism jokes culdnt even make me feel betta. Udda peeple told me dat I shuld juss wear ear muffs b4 crawfish season starts so Josephine don’t crawl n dere. An im like “if I wear ear muffs how im gonna hear mah dreams?” An den da teller asks me 2 leeve da bank.

I know dat da depression gonna go away afta crawfish season ends but im juss tired of dealin wit it. Luckily it hasn’t caused me 2 take mah life. I can’t say da same ting 4 mah old friend Arnold da Crawfish Farmer.

Arnold tuk his life 1 day afta a crawfish crawled n is his brane an sed “u can’t google image search crawfish witout seein piles of ded crawfish. Stop profitin off genocide!” Arnold den drowned himself n his crawfish pond. He left a note behind dat sed “make sure wen u boil me it’s wit potatoes an corn.”

If u or sumbody u know tinkin abot takin dere own life cuz a crawfish crawled n2 u brane, call me. Mah numba is 3. Den cum 2 mah house, an maybe da crawfish will crawl out of our branes so dey can play cards against each udda.

Cow Island Mardi Gras Parade

Deer Dairy,

Da 130th annual Cow Island Mardi Gras Parade happined dis weekend. Dis mah review of dat.

Dis yeers theme of da Cow Island Mardi Gras Parade wuz “Career highlights of Jake Delhomme” so every1 dat attended wuz incouraged 2 shave dere sideburns. If u showed 2 da parade wit sideburns, u were poked by da old man who drinks coffee at da gas station an scares children wit his smile.

B4 da parade started, Officer Duhon popped a wheely on his patrol tricycle. I gave dis a 10 cuz dats da highest numba I can count 2.

Afta da cop, da parade officially started.

Da furst float wuz a 2005 Chevy Silverado. Peeple n da bed of da truck were depictin da time Jake Delhomme drank da most beers at a bonfire n high school. I gave dis a 7 cuz while I thought da man pretended 2 a teenage Jake Delhomme wuz very drunk, I did tink da flame could have bin higher.

Afta dat it wuz time 4 da walkin krewe of peeple dat tell u secrets very loudly but git mad wen da peeple dat r right next 2 u eves drop. Dis yeer I lerned dat da lady at post office dyes her hair, an watched T-Russ git slapped wit a spatula 4 overhearing. I gave dis a 3 cuz T-Russ didn’t fall down.

Da next float wuz a 1995 Pontiac Sunfire. Da peeple on da roof of da Pontiac Sunfire were re-enactin da time Jake Delhomme had successful laser eye surgery. I gave dis a 4 cuz while da doctor wuz shinin da laser tag gun directly n2 da man’s eye, insurance did cover his visit.

Followin dat wuz da Cow Island Technical Academy 4 Da Stinky marching band. Dey played “Down wit da sickness” n honor of peeple dat drink da water n Cow Island. I gave dis a 9 cuz while dey did do da National anthem justice, I miss mah fren Bill.

Da float cumin rite behind dat wuz a tractor pullin a skateboard. Da peeple on da skateboard were depictin da time Jake Delhomme beat Steve Smith n da thumb wrestling contest. Dis is da most controversial moment of Jake Delhommes career cuz many peeple tink Jake only won dat thumb wrestling contest cuz he put Tony Chareres on his thumb. I gave dis a 2 cuz da man dey got 2 play Jake Delhomme had no thumbs.

Next wuz da walkin krewe of da bleeding Elvis’s. I gave dis a 10 cuz dey were losin a lot of blood an I felt bad 4 dem.

Da last float wuz rocking chair bein pulled by a turtle. Dis float re-enacted da time Former Ms. USA Ali Landry responded 2 a DM Jake Delhomme sent her on instagram wonderin where 2 find da best King Cake. I gave dis a 8 cuz while Ali Landry did give Jake a gud recommendation, Jake wuz not fully erect.

Afta da floats wuz da fire truck dat wuz tryin 2 git 2 da 2005 Chevy Silverado dat wuz on fire n da front of da parade.

Dis wuz a gud parade.

Da Machinist

Deer Diary,

I finally saw dat Batman movie, “Da Machinist”. I fond it n da new release section of da abandoned Blockbusta. It wuz gud, but I had 1 problem wit it. Y wuz Batman so skinny n dat? Do his wife not know how 2 cook?

So I got on Mr. Gerard’s fancy Sega Dreamcast, an emailed Batman mah fat gross wife Priscilla’s gumbo recipe. I wuz hoping dat he wuld gain sum weight, an hook me up wit a job at dat machine shop. Dem machinists make gud money. Dats y Batman can afford da note on dat Batmobile. I wanna git 1 of dem, an put sum huntin decals on it so da peeple dat r drivin behind me know mah hobbies.

I wrote n da email:

Deer Batman,

U needa eat sum gumbo.

P.S.

U tink u can hook me up wit a job at dat Machine Shop?

Sincerely,

Gaston Hebert

sent frum Mr. Gerard’s fancy Sega Dreamcast

Den I attached mah fat gross wife Priscilla’s gumbo recipe, an mah resume 2 da email.

Da next day, I git a knock on mah door. It wuz Mr. Gerard standin dere wit his fancy Sega Dreamcast.

He sed “Gaston, y mah computah gotta letta 2 Batman written n crayon on it? An wut da hell is dis gumbo recipe an dis note sayin how high u can jump stapled 2 it doin dere?” An I sed “can u make sure dat git 2 Batman? He starvin, an I need a job.” An Mr. Gerard sed “I’m not givin mah computah 2 Batman. Now pressure wash mah computah, or I’m callin da cop!” An I sed “threaten 2 call da cop on me agin, an ima git mah Taunt Geraldine wit da tootie on her forehead dat lives n da ditch 2 kiss u!” Den Mr Gerard went 2 da post office 2 mail his fancy Sega Dreamcast 2 Batman out of fear of bein mah Taunt Geraldine’s new boyfriend.

Mah beautiful successful Taunt an mah no gud Neighbor

A couple hours past, an I didn’t hear nuttin bak. I figured his wife fukd up da recipe cuz she a yankee. Den I saw a commercial on da TV 4 dis new Batman movie called “Vice.” N it, Batman wuz da Vice President. I also noticed he wuz very fat. Looks like sumbody ate mah wife’s gumbo.

I wuz excited, yet trouble wen I saw dis.

I wuz excited cuz I had saved Batman frum dyin of starvation, an now he can fight a penguin (a penguin is a bird dat walks an swims cuz he wants 2 b human. Batman must fight him 2 let him know he a bird, an not a human).

I wuz troubled cuz I felt betrayed cuz he ate mah wife’s gumbo, an didnt hook me up wit a job at da machine shop. Now, it 1 ting 2 eat mah wife’s gumbo cuz she cooked it 4 u. But it’s aunnda ting 4 u 2 now own mah wife’s gumbo recipe, an not hook me up wit a job at dat machine shop. Dere’s an old sayin dat goes “eat mah wife’s gumbo cuz she cooked it 4 u, dats ok. Eat mah wife’s gumbo cuz I emailed u her recipe, den u betta hook me up wit a job at dat machine shop u wuz werkin at, or ima kidnap u, an use u as a reference 2 git a job at dat machine shop aginst u will.” An I wuz gonna make damn sure Batman respected da law.

Later dat evening I saw dat Batman wuz nominated 4 a Golden Globe 4 playin Vice President Batman. Dis gave me da idea. I wuz gonna sneak n2 da Golden Globes, an kipnap him dere so I can bring him 2 da machine shop down da road, an use him as a reference 2 git a job at dat machine shop.

Dere wuz 1 problem wit dat tho, u gotta luk like a celebrity 2 sneak n da Golden Globes. I don’t. Sure, I luk kinda like da Crow, but he bin dead 4 a while. I also luk a lil bit like da Joker, but he bin dead 4 a while 2. I even look similar 2 Gene Simmons, but he a Jew. However, mah lil cousin T-Russ dat got progeria luk like da baby version of Brad Pitt n “Da Curious Case of Benjamin Button”, an he still alive.

I den got mah plan 2 sneak n. T-Russ wuz gonna b da baby frum da Curious Case of Benjamin Button, an I wuz gonna b his date. So I asked T-Russ 2 cum help me kidnap Batman. He agreed cuz Batman lives n a cave, an T-Russ wuz born n a cave. An maybe Batman culd help T-Russ find his birth certificate so he can know how old he is.

So mah lil cousin T-Russ an me got dressed, an took mah airboat 2 Hollywood. T-Russ wore his best tuxedo, an I wore a crawfish dress mah Taunt Geraldine lent me dat she wears wen she’s tryin 2 mate wit crawfish durin da off season.

Mah beautiful dress I wore 4 da Golden Globes

We arrived at da Golden Globes juss as da red carpet started. T-Russ an me went up 2 security 2 walk on da red carpet, an I sed “dis mah husband, da baby man frum Benjamin Button. Let us walk on dat carpet.” Da security man sed “Brad Pitt has a restrainin order against u husband 4 tryin 2 steal his eyebrow hair. Please leave.” I sed “aww man” an den walked bak 2 da airboat 2 devise a new plan. As we wuz walkin bak 2 da airboat, Catherine Zelda-Jones saw us an sed “Ay Lady Gaga an mah Father-n-Law Kirk Douglas! Y’all goin da wrong way! Cum wit me!” So Catherine Zelda-Jones led us n2 da Golden Globes cuz she thought T-Russ wuz Kirk Douglas an I wuz Lady Gaga.

Durin da Golden Globes, I won da award 4 best original song. I gave a speech abot how da Golden Globes shuld b called da Copper Flat Earths. Durin mah speech I saw Batman, an it reminded y I wuz dere n da first place.

So I got off stage, an went see T-Russ so we culd administrate da plan. He wuz n da middle of suckin on Catherine Zelda-Jones’ tee-tons, as is tradition 4 Kirk Douglas 2 do durin da Golden Globes.

Da plan wuz 4 T-Russ 2 git Batman 2 help him tee-tee n da bathroom. An as Batman wuz pullin down T-Russ’s pants, T-Russ wuld den poot an apple n2 his mouth. I wuld den hogtie Batman, an escort him out da Golden Globes 2 mah airboat. An if security wuld ask questions as 2 y I was draggin Batman 2 mah airboat, I wuld tell dem dat dis pig(Batman) tried 2 attack Kirk Douglas.

Well, I went up 2 Batman wit T-Russ at mah side an sed “hello Batman. I am Lady Gaga. Dis is Kirk Douglas. He need 2 go tee-tee. Can u help him tee-tee n da bathroom? He need sum1 2 pull down his pants so he can tee-tee. An wen u pull down his pants, make sure u face is at his butt.” An Batman sed “ok.”

So Batman took T-Russ n2 da bathroom, an I followed close behind. Dey den went 2 da urinal, an Batman helped T-Russ take down his pants 2 tee-tee. Wen Batman got face level 2 T-Russ’s butt, da apple did not cum out. T-Russ tried 2 poot, but nuttin happened. Batman den sed “Mr. Kirk Douglas. U gotta apple n u butt. Mind if I pull it out wit mah teef?” Den Batman pulled da apple out of T-Russ’s butt wit his teef. I den hogtied him, an brought him 2 mah airboat. On da way out, peeple complimented me on mah dress, an mah pet pig.

Damn. Batman is cool.

While on da airboat, Batman wuz askin me all kinda questions like “wut wuz it like werkin wit Bradley Cooper”, an “do I got a tootie or tuh-tut”. I sed “Bradley Cooper is gud welder” an “tooties an tuh-tuts r a social construct”.

We eventually got 2 da machine shop down da road frum mah house, Down Da Road Machine Shop. Wen we got dere, I brought Batman up 2 da owner, Sammy Babineaux. I sed “Mr. Sammy. Dis Batman. He used 2 b a machinist. He’s here 2 give me a reference.” Mr Sammy den sed “Gaston, dats Christian Bale. He a actor dat played a machinist n a movie. How times I gotta tell u dat u can’t git a job here by kidnapping a machinist reference?” Batman den sed “hold on. Dats not Lady Gaga? I’m leaving!” Den Batman hopped 2 da road 2 git a uber bak 2 Hollywood. Howeva, b4 he got 2 da road he saw mah Taunt Geraldine n da ditch an sed “Oh damn. Da real Lady Gaga.” Den him an mah Taunt Geraldine went on a date n da ditch.

I wuz sad. I guess I had missed mah chance 2 b a machinist. I wuz neva gonna b able 2 afford 2 put huntin decals on mah batmobile now.

Den as I wuz abot 2 leave, a large rodent wit wings approached me an Mr. Sammy. He introduced himself 2 us sayin “hello, mah name is Jean-Phillipe Batman. Da mail pelican recently delivered me a computah wit a gumbo recipe an resume attached 2 it. I followed da recipe, an da gumbo wuz very gud. I also lukd at Gaston’s resume, an he can jump over a fire hydrant. As a former machinist at Behind Da Walmart Machine Shop, I wuld like 2 recommend Gaston 4 a job at u Machine Shop.” Den Mr. Sammy sed “damn, u jump high. Ur hired Gaston”, an he gave me a drug test.

Well, I passed da drug test cuz dey don’t test 4 sniffin glue, an I started werkin dere da next Monday. Mr. Sammy hired me 2 sweep da floors, an listen 2 his daddy talk nonsense. It may have bin an entry level position, but at least I wuz livin mah dream. I owed it all 2 Jean-Philippe Batman 4 havin da last name Batman.

Jean-Philippe Batman an da lathe he used 2 werk on.

As 4 da udda Batman. Dis weekend he is up 4 best actor at da Academy Awards. He is taken mah Taunt Geraldine as his date who he tinks is Lady Gaga. Hopefully both Batman an mah Taunt Geraldine git gold dat nite dat dey can sell 2 da scrap yard.

Mah James Carville Statue’s Nose Fell Off

Deer Diary

Mah James Carville statue’s nose fell off. Now I gotta find a trust worthy statue refurbisher 2 put his nose bak on. I don’t want peeple 2 tink he got syphilis. He’s n a domestic partnership wit mah Billy Big Mouth Bass, an if peeple start tinkin dat he sleepin arond it gonna put a strain on dere relationship. I really don’t wanna have to hang mah Billy Big Mouth Bass n anudda room.

Not only is me replacin his nose gonna save dere relationship, it gonna make me feel betta abot stealin him frum da park.

Da James Carville statue originally belonged 2 da city. It wuz n da park sittin at a picnic table. Da city put it dere 4 wen eva u feel u needed 2 argue wit a libtard afta u finish poisonin da slide wasps.

I hate slide wasps

Well 1 day I wuz on da swing at da park afta a long day poisonin da slide wasps. An as I wuz on da swing, I realized dere wuz nobody dere 2 push me. Den I saw dat James Carville statue sittin dere an I went up 2 him an sed “ay man. Can u push me?” He didn’t say nuttin. Den I sed “ay. I can’t go high unless sumbody pushes me.” He still wuz silent. Den I sed “u gonna answer me or what?” Not a werd. Den I sed “tell me exactly how Obama wuz betta den Trump!” An he wuz quitter den a rooster durin an eclipse. Den I sed “typical snowflake” an I felt betta.

I went home dat nite an I thought 2 mahself, “a statue I culd argue wit wud luk gud n mah trailer.” So I got mah red wagon, an I went take da James Carville statue frum da park.

Now sum peeple gonna be like “oh Gaston, u stole dat James Carville statue frum da park? Dat not nice!” An I will say 2 dat “no. I merely removed a statue dat stood 4 sumting dat I did not believe n.” Luk, if dey gonna take down da confederate statues, den I got da rite 2 remove any statues of peeple dat luk like da six flags man! How u gonna have 6 flags, an not include da confederate flag?

4 a while, peeple were wonderin wut happined 2 da James Carville statue. Da pigeons mostly threw a fit cuz dey didn’t have anywhere puh-poo now.

I heard all abot dis commotion tho. So 2 make sure I didn’t git arrested, I put Juggalo makeup on mah James Carville statue. Dat way wen Officer Duhon wud cum 2 mah house 2 investigate, he wuld tink it wuz mah Paw Paw.

Well sure enuf, Officer Duhon came ova an thought it wuz mah paw paw. Den Officer Duhon, who has a pecan 4 a head, sed “sorry 2 bother u. Please tell u paw paw to not put me in a bag 2 give 2 his grandchildren.”

Officer Duhon is frum Pecan Island. Everybody dat live dere gotta pecan 4 a head.

Mah James Carville statue sits at mah card playin table n mah livin room. He a gud card player 2. U can neva know wut kinda hand he has cuz he always luks mad. Sumtimes I try 2 cheer him up by sayin “ay man. U more handsome den Howie Mandel!”, but den I realize dat im abot 2 lose mah money 2 a statue, dere4 I disregard his feelings.

I like mah James Carville statue mostly cuz it’s a conversation piece. Everybody dat cum 2 mah house 4 parties has a conversation wit it. Peeple like him cuz he always makes eye contact, an he don’t seem 2 mind wen u put gum on him. Mah guests always tell me “tank u 4 u party Gaston. I tink u fren had a stroke.” An I say “it cool. He a statue.” An dey say “I wuz talkin abot dat man on da floor.” An den I call da ambulance 2 let dem know wut a gud party thrower I am.

Mah James Carville statue is not mah furst conversation piece tho. A couple yeers ago I got a “Alexandria.” Its like an “Alexa” except it’s a crab. Wen I cum home I yell “Alexandria, turn on da Sega Dreamcast!” An den da lil crab turns on da Sega Dreamcast wit its lil claws. I tuk a while 2 git mah Alexandria 2 werk tho. But afta I threatened 2 boil it if it kept pinchin mah toes, it started werkin betta den a push mower that caught its owner eyeing a zero-turn mower.

All crabs r Irish. Dats y dey pinch.

But now dat mah James Carville statue’s nose fell off, nobody gonna wanna have a conversation wit it. I don’t know if u eva had a conversation wit sumbody witout a nose, but dere r certain tings dat r off limits. Like u can’t ask dem 2 git inside u car 2 see if it smell like da river, an u can’t ask dem 2 share a bottle of glue 2 sniff as u wonder y frogs jump instead of walk upright.

Mah James Carville statue’s nose came off afta it wuz attacked by T-Russ. T-Russ always had sumting against mah James Carville Statue cuz he thought it wuz a statue of him. Sumtimes he wuld whisper “boops” an “beeps” n2 James Carville’s ear dat translate n2 “u will not replace me.”

So 1 day, T-Russ came n2 mah house 2 borrow sum Tony Chaceres 2 put arond his bed 2 keep da swamp witches away. Well, wen he walked n, he thought he heard mah James Carville statue singin “Achy Breaky Heart”, which is da only werds T-Russ know how 2 say dat everybody undastan. Now, dis wuz not mah James Carville statue, but rather mah Billy Big Mouth Bass dat hang directly above mah James Carville statue.

T-Russ didn’t realize dis cuz he wuz drunk off pesticides. So wen he walked n mah house he bit James Carville’s nose off. It tuk a while 4 him 2 chew it off tho cuz James Carville is made out of stone. Howeva, T-Russ’s teeth have sharpened throughout the da yeers of him refusing 2 peel crawfish b4 he ate dem so he eventually got it off.

I still can’t believe dat fish can sing!

T-Russ has since apologized, but I told him dat we’ve all bin dere. 1 time I shot da TV cuz I thought Gene Simmons wuz mah clone.

I juss gotta find a trust worthy statue refurbisher. I’ve bin scammed b4 by dis man who I thought wuz gonna replace da spine of mah Christopher Reeves ridin a horse statue. Turned out he just sold it 2 da city of New Orleans so dey cud eventually replace dere Andrew Jackson ridin a horse statue. It made me mad, but I guess it’s betta den da guy who turned Mr Gerard’s Sony Bono skiing statue n2 gravel so he culd extend his driveway. Dats sum of da best money I eva made.

I guess I culd ask da man dat own da Confederate Statue Park n Cossinade if he culd help me out. Da Confederate Statue Park n Cossinade is a park wit all da confederate statues dat got taken down n New Orleans. Da owner does a gud job of preserving dem, an also gives dem tooties. He gives da confederate statues tooties so he, an other visitors, can suk da tooties of confederate generals. Dey say if u suk a confederate monument’s tootie long enuf, u gonna git sum lil confederate baby’s in u mouth 2 help u start a militia.

Anyways, I figure if dat man can give all dem statues tooties, he culd probably put a nose on James Carville statue. If not, I can juss steal General Lee’s tootie, an used it as James Carville’s nose. It abot da same size.

I juss hope dat whoeva fixes mah James Carville statue does a gud job so I don’t have 2 move mah Billy Big Mouth Bass 2 anudda room. N da werds of James Carville, “I neva seen an albino alligata dat I didn’t ask 4 directions.”

Da Glue Famine

Dis a map dat prove da Earth is flat

Deer diary,

Perry, mah home unincorporated community, is n a recession. Wut is known as da Glue Sniffin Capital Of Vermilion Parish is now strugglin cuz of da Glue Famine. Businesses r doin bad an I don’t got anyting 2 sniff wen I mow udda peeples yards witout dere permission. I don’t wanna have 2 move 2 Milton, da WD-40 huffin capital of Lafayette Parish.

I like livin n Perry more den I like namin frogs dat I see jump out da commode. It quite, it nice, an it has a bridge.

Perry is a small unincorporated community located behind Abbeville. It wuz founded by Perry, a man who’s mama forgot 2 give him a last name. He founded Perry afta he woke up dere drunk. N da Perry Declaration of Independence it says, “Mais I don’t know how 2 git home so ima juss build me a house rite here. If u see mah wife, tell her 2 b nice 2 da dog.”

More peeple started movin 2 Perry afta dey woke up dere drunk. An since everybody wuz always drunk, nobody seemed 2 care abot if u sniffed glue r not. Dis attracted all da peeple 2 dat liked 2 sniff glue 2 honeymoon dere. Soon businesses an activities involvin glue sniffin started 2 pop up. An wut wuz once juss a glue sniffin honeymoon spot, bcame a glue sniffin travel destination 4 even peeple dat no1 will eva luv.

By da mid 2000s, Perry wuz named “numba 1 Glue Sniffin Destintion n Vermilion Parish” by a dat man on travel channel wit da earring. Perry’s economy wuz makin more money den mah lil cousin T-Russ at a Curious Case of Benjamin Button Convention.

Yea he rite!

Den da glue famine hit, an da money stopped.

Da glue dat Perry gits is made by a bunch of cows n Cow Island. It’s called Moo Glue an it’s da best 2 sniff. An while da glue is da best 2 sniff, da werkin conditions 4 da cows r less ideal.

Da cows face harsh werkin conditions like dey can’t luk at dere phone durin dere shift, an dey have 2 wear steel toed boots even though tennis shoes r more comfortable.

Da ting though dat triggered da glue famine wuz dey bosses tuk da foosball table out dere brake room 4 repairs. Da cows were fine wit dis at furst stating “it tuk a while 4 us 2 realize dat da grass on da foosball table wuznt real. We will wait patiently while da repair man puts real grass on da table.”

But den several months passed an dere wuz no foosball table. 2 keep da cows entertained on dere lunch, da bosses put a punchin bag machine n da brake room. It broke da furst day cuz a bull ran head first n2 it cuz it’s red. Afta dis happined, da bosses started makin da cows werk ovatime wit no time an a half. Den made a rule dat nobody’s boyfriend culd b n da brake room. Dis is wen da cows went on strike wit da help of dat cow dat helped Chic-fil-a not cook cows.

Y’all tink dat cow is big or what?

An while da glue bosses were waitin 4 da cows 2 cum home, da community of Perry wuz sufferin.

Da furst businesses 2 feel dat wuz da Glue Sniffin themed establishments like Crocheting Wit a Twist. Dats a company dat u can git fucked up on glue an crochet a fluer de lis eye patch or sew up an old wound. It perfect 4 a bachelorette party 4 u 2nd marriage or a team buildin exercise 4 u militia. But since da Glue Famine hit, Crocheting wit a Twist has bin closed an most of da peeple dat werk dere had 2 git udda jobs dat dey culdnt b high at.

Den dey canceled glue sniffin activities like da Glue Crawl. Da Glue Crawl wuz wen u wuld brake n2 da elementary school on weekends, an go class 2 class sniffin glue until da custodian dat lives n da boiler room wuld wake up 2 tank u 4 bein his alarm clock. But now since da Glue Famine hit, da custodian has no1 2 talk 2 on da weekends.

An now dat da glue tourism industry is on hiatus, udda Perry businesses dat benefited frum glue tourism r sad as well.

1 of dese is da brunch spot, Le Petit Patots. Da owner of Le Petit Patots sed dat since da glue famine started, she has noticed a decline n customers passin out at tables frum sniffin 2 much glue. Peeple high on glue used 2 pass out at Le Petite Patots, an wen dis wuld happen da owner wuld charge dem 4 an overnight stay. Dey wuld only b asleep 4 an hour or so. But da owner wuld lie 2 dem, an say dat dey stayed da nite. I juss fond dis out an tink dats y I bin celebrated New Years earlier den everybody else. Dat or im Chinese. I don’t know mah daddy.

Priscilla made dis 4 mah eye dat not as big as da udda.

So now dat da Glue Famine seems like its gonna last longer den me tryin 2 solve a word finder, Perry gotta start tinkin of udda ways 2 make money.

1 way ting da mayor has bin pushin, is ditch tourism. Perry got sum gud ditches 2 luk at an she recently floated arond da idea changin da slogan of Perry from “da glue capital of Vermilion Parish” 2 “come stare at da ditch.”

Dis howeva has not cum witout it’s critics. Mainly mah Taunt Geraldine who lives n da ditch. She had recently bin asked 2 relocate unda da bridge cuz da mayor afraid dat mah Taunt Geraldine will scare peeple away cuz she gotta tootie on her forehead an fuks turtles. Mah Taunt Geraldine has argued dat dis da most excitin ting dat happins n da ditch an will b da reeson y peeple visit Perry. No1 agrees wit mah Taunt Geraldine.

While da mayor bin lukin 4 udda ways 2 increase tourism, I juss bin prayin da Glue Famine wuld stop.

I luv sniffin glue. I wuz da glue sniffin champion of da last 8 Glue Festivals. Witout glue 2 sniff, I feel no purpose. Also I wuz plannin on talkin 2 Ernest later, an now I had nothin 2 access his spirit. Sumtimes wen I get fukd up on glue an watch Ernest movies, I feel like Ernest is right next 2 me tellin me how Toy Story shuld have bin called “Ernest is a dog.” Sumtimes I email Tom Hanks an ask him y he didn’t call “Forest Gump”, “Young Ernest.”

RIP Ernest.

I also feel dat glue got udda purposes besides sniffin it. Like 1 time, I put sum glue on mah hands. At furst wen I put da glue on mah hands it wuz sticky. But den it got hard. An afta a while I wuz able 2 peel it off. It wuz like I wuz sheddin mah skin. An I tink if more peeple use glue n dis way, dey gonna realize dat we r more closely related 2 snakes den originally thought. Luk i undastan dat evolution is a myth, but dat don’t mean snakes can’t b our cousins!

I juss hope da glue famine ends soon. I got 2 help mah son T-T-Claude stick sum construction paper together an I need sum glue 2 sniff 2 help me figure out how 2 git it 2 stay.