Quail Huntin

Deer diary,

Several yeers bak, me an T-Russ saw dat movie “Wedding Cashiers.”  It was da story abot dese 2 men who wuld go 2 weddings lukin 4 ladys 2 work da register at dere gas stations.  Dey neva fond a cashier but dey did sex a lot of ladies.  So it wuz a gud movie.

Dere wuz 1 scene particle dat caught mah attention.  It wuz wen da man wit da big nose sed “I don’t even kno wut da fuk a quail is” while he wuz quail huntin.  Dat got me tinkin. I don’t kno wut da fuk a quail is eidda, but I wanna hunt 4 one. If dat man wit da big nose can hunt 4 quail witout knowin wut da fuk it is, so can I. I meen dats how our 4 daddy’s discovered America.

So me an T-Russ got our guns an went lukin 4 sum quail n da woods.  Our plan wuz we were gonna shoot da furst bird we didn’t recognize. Sure enuf, afta abot an hour of waitin n da woods, me an T-Russ saw a bird we neva seen. So I aimed mah rifle, an shot dat rascal down like Denis da Menace shot down dat plane b4 it hit da Pentagon.

I quickly got T-Russ 2 go get dat quail an bring it bak 2 me. I usually hunt wit a dog, but T-Russ wanted 2 carry sumtin n his mouf so I let him b da dog dis time. He’s a gud dog. T-Russ came bak wit a large creature n his mouf an I sed “damn. I didn’t figure a quail wuld b dat big.” T-Russ sed “boop. Beep” cuz he has progeria an speeks n boops an beeps.

Den all of a sudden I start hearin dese weird noises frum da woods. It wuz a bunch of creatures goin “shamalama doop deep. Ching chong boop boop beep.”

I sed “T-Russ, did da progeria school 4 old man baby welders schedule a field trip 2 da woods 2day?” An he sed “teep toop”. An I sed “oh sorry. I forgot dey lost dere field trip fundin afta dey scarred Bobby Jindal at Chuck E. Cheese.”

Den out of da woods appeared a group of men dancin like dey had ants n dere pants.  Except dey had no pants, only socks on dere tooties.  Den da 1 wit a mohawk spoke.  He sed “Good mornin. Tippy toppy dewy.  We r da Anthony Kiedis Tribe.  Bingy Bappy booey.  All of us have done stunts 4 Anthony Kiedis n Red Hot Chili Pepper music videos dere4 we call our selves da Anthony Keidis Tribe. Shamama chingy Chewy.  It appears u have shot 1 of our own.  shamalamma doobie.”  

“Im sorry.  I thought he wuz a Quail.” I sed 2 stand mah ground.

Den da mohawk 1 sed “Well, it not a quail.  Pippy poppy pooey.”

An as me an T-russ started 2 run da Anthony Kiedis tribe memba sed “Don’t worry.  Babba Bouy.  U actually shot da guy who did stunts on da Around da Werld music video.  He used 2 aggravate da fuk out of us cuz he thought he knew Chinese.  He actually didnt, an wuz n fact juss speekin jibberish which wuz our native tongue b4 da Christian Missionaries tried 2 civilize us.  We glad he ded.  Hope u find a quail!  Tinga tinga tong a jinga jing jong.”  Den dey gave T-Russ a sock 2 play wit an sent us on our way.  It wuz quite da relief dat dey weren’t mad.  Last time i ran away frum somebody wit 1 sock, it wuz cuz I wuz crackin dere toes wen dey were sleepin.  Orphanages have tighter security den u wuld tink!

Even tho da Anthony Kiedises weren’t mad, I did commit homicide so had 2 talk 2 da game warden.  Me an T-Russ went see Leopold da Game Warden Duck at entrance of da woods.  I sed  “Leopold.  I thought dat Anthony Kiedis wuz a quail.  Can I please keep mah huntin liscense?”  Den Leopold sed “How many bread u got?” And I sed “I brought 2 loafs.” And he sed “break da bread up an throw it on da ground, an Ima pretend dis neva happined.” So I broke up all da bread, threw it on da ground, Leopold ate it, an I wuz able 2 continue mah hunt 4 quail.  Leopold sadly wuz arrested a couple yeers lata 4 acceptin bribes frum an unda cova wildlife an fisheries agent.  He wuz sentenced 2 live wit a family dat ate paleo. 

Afta I wuz cleared by Leopold, I decided 2 google wut a quail wuz so I didn’t shoot anudda Anthony Kiedis.  Frum wut I saw, a quail is bird wit a tootie on its forehead.  So me an T-Russ went bak n2 da woods n search of da tootie bird.  But b4 we culd git bak 2 da woods, sumtin wit a tootie on its head popped out of da ditch an T-Russ shot it.  It wuz mah Taunt Geraldine who lives n da ditch.  Wen I saw it wuz mah Taunt, I went check on her an sed “Taunt Geraldine.  I didnt know u wuz a quail.”  Taunt Geraldine den exclaimed “I ain’t no Quail!  Is mah tootie bleedin?”  Me an T-Russ both nodded yes an mah Taunt den asked us 2 removed da bandaid dat wuz on her kneecap an place it on her tootie.  Taunt Geraldine wuz always gud at recyclin.

Mah Taunt den asked us y we shot her an we sed we wuz huntin 4 quail an we thought she wuz 1.  Taunt Geraldine den sed “oh yall lukin 4 quail?  I dated a quail n high school.  Lemme bring yall 2 his house.”

Me, T-Russ, an Taunt Geraldine den arrived at dis mansion n da woods.  It wuz a plantation style house an dere wuz Anthony Kiedis’s tendin 2 da garden an teachin horses how 2 ribbon dance.  I sed “damn Taunt Geraldine.  U ex boyfren is fancy.”  She den told us da story of da Noble Quail family dat has bin livin n dis house 4 many generations.  She sed dat bak n day dey were opera singers, den hunters herd dem sing an based da way dey call quail off of dem.  Out of appreciation, da hunters built dem dis house so dey could live n peace until quail season.

We knocked on da door an were greeted by a Anthony Kiedis who sed “shamma lamma ding-dong.  How R u?  Dis is a Quail’s house.  Shanga danga doo.”  Mah Taunt Geraldine den sed 2 da domesticated Anthony Kiedis “I used 2 fuk Constantino da Noble Quail.  Where he at?”  Den da Anthony Kiedis servant sed “hes on a date wit a croissant n da bak.  Yang bang krang dang pew pew!”  Da Anthony Kiedis servant den lead us 2 da bak where Constantino wuz n da middle of explainin how he wants 2 put sum septic tanks on sum land he has n Leroy.  Da croissant did not looked impressed, howevea it was hard 2 tell cuz it wuz covered n buttah. 

Taunt Geraldine den interupted dere date by sayin “Constantino!  U memba wen u used 2 fuk me?”  Da Quail den sed “Madam, yes.  It wuz nice.  Wut bring u here?  Cant u see Im n da middle of tryin 2 seduce dis croissant?”  Taunt Geraldine den sed “yea i see dat.  An I appoligize 4 interruptin.  U date looks lovely covered n buttah wit its crunchy brown features an is shaped like da moon.  I came here today cuz mah nephews were huntin 4 quail an u a quail so I figured dey culd shoot u.”

Constantino den looked at anger at his Anthony Kiedis servant an sed “I cant beleeve dis shit.  Y da fuk u didnt tell me it wuz quail huntin season?  Bring me mah Quail season wardrobe.”  Constantino wuz den dressed n a robe covered n decorations wit sum nice boots, an asked us 2 join him n da front lawn.

Wen we got 2 da lawn he sed “ok.  Ive bin waitin 2 be hunted since da day I wuz born.  Every 1 of mah ancestors has bin shot on dis lawn out of respect 4 our opera singin ancestors.  I will b walkin n da front lawn admirin da satsuma trees.  Ur job is 2 shoot me but don’t mess up mah coat or boots.  I am da last of da Noble Quails cuz I am infertile which is y I choose 2 fuk croissants now.  So my death must b perfect as it is truly an end 2 an era.  Pleese repekt mah wishes.”  Me an T-Russ agreed an den T-Russ shot Constantino n da hed right away.  We all ate Constantino dat nite except 4 da croissant who juss stared at her plate da whole time.  Probably sad we shot her date. 

I went visit da old Quail house da uddda day 2 check up on da Anthony Kiedis Tribe dat lives dere now since Constantino died.  I was informed by its new owners, da Partridge Family, dat da Anthony Kiedis tribe wuz wiped out due da stds mah Taunt Geraldine gave dem. 

I will neva 4git mah furst quail hunt an da kindness of da Anthony Kiedis tribe showed me an mah family.