Mah son T-T-Claude picked up his grades so I built him a playhouse. I told him I wuz gonna do dis hopes he wuz gonna forgit but I guess he at dat age where he remembas tings. He 6 but da doctor say 27. Wen da doctor told me dis I sed “how da hell u gonna tell me T-T-Claude is 27 wen I saw him crawl out Priscilla’s tuh-tut 6 years ago afta she got bak frum a bus driver convenshun n da Philippines?” An da doctor sed “his name is Nanook Pew Pew an he’s wanted 4 war crimes n da Philippines.” An I sed “his name is T-T-Claude Hebert an he frum Perry.” Yankees always try 2 ova pronounce Cajun werds.
T-T-Claude had a hard time last semester cuz he got caught gamblin wit da 4-H pig. Dis went against 1 of da skool rules which states “Don’t play cards wit da 4-H pig cuz he is a recoverin gamblin addict.” Da 4-H pig spent da early 00’s goin 2 casinos an wastin all he money on da penny slots cuz he thought da cherries were real. Afta gettin kicked out of every casino n south louisiana 4 gettin mud on da slot machines, he started goin 2 unda ground texas hold um tournamints n hopes of findin cherries. Dis led him 2 lernin how 2 play texas hold um n hopes dat maybe da cherry man wuz juss late. But as you may have guessed alredy, da cherry man got stuck n traffic on da Atchafalaya Bridge.
Since T-T-Claude got caught gamblin wit dat degenerate gambler pig, da skool dropped all his test scores 1 letta grade as punishmint. But dis semesta he picked dem up an I am so proud. He got a “B” n stickin forks n electrical sockits (stuck a spork n 1 time). He got a “A” n disrespectin da student teacher’s pronouns (he insisted on callin da teecher cooyon). An he got a “D” n not bein 27 an a former warlord frum da Philippines (he wore a hat an sunglasses 2 skool 1 day an it threw dem off).
So wen T-T-Claude came home wit dem betta grades I started buildin him a playhouse. T-T-Claude had bin askin me 4 a playhouse 4 a while now. He sed bak wen he lived da Philippines (he mean Perry. He got a lisp), him an his frens used 2 hang out n da playhouse an play paddycake while plottin which villages 2 burn down. Dis got me excited n hopes dey’d burn down sum nearby villages 2 Perry so we culd have a bonfire, an maybe he culd teech me dat paddycake game while a bank wuz on fire. Ive lerned many hand games durin bonfires, but neva none dat wuznt wit a uncle dat made me feel gud but bad at da same time.
I eventually finished buildin da playhouse afta I got da book on tape 4 da playhouse instructions. It had a swing 2 catapult satsumas n2 mah nieghbor’s backyard. It had a slide 2 lay on wen u havin a agrument wit u wife an wanna look at da sky but dont wanna git grass on u bak. It had monkey bars 2 hang pants on 4 geese 2 git stuck n. It even had a sand box 2 confuse me wen I tink abot da 3 states of matter.
It had everyting an T-T-Claude luved it. Da furst day it wuz built he went n dere wit a box marked “booze frum da phillippines”(he must b phonetically spellin out Perry wit his lisp) an put up a sign dat sed “T-T-Claude’s Playhouse. Open 5pm – 4am. A warlord does not own dis bar.” Now even tho I wuz glad T-T-Claude finally got him a playhouse 2 plot destruction, da sign worried me a lil bit. Open 5pm – 4am? How am I supposed 2 shoot satsumas at Mr. Gerard wen he mows his grass at 2pm everyday if da playhouse don’t open 4 anudda 3 hours? Maybe I culd hide his lawnmower keys until da bar opened.
It tuk abot a month 4 werd 2 spred arond Vermilion Parish dat T-T-Claude’s Playhouse wuz da spot 2 b at. Soon peeple frum all ova came cuz T-T-Claude’s playhouse closed an hour lata den all da bars n Maurice. So at abot 3:15 am every night dey had a bunch of peeple park n our yard 2 git dem last coors lights b4 dey drove bak home drunker den wut dey came, or git kidnapped by mah Taunt Geraldine dat lives n da ditch. T-T-Claude’s Playhouse gave da community a service it wuz n desperate need of, an mah Taunt Geraldine new frens dat miss dere families.
Not only did T-T-Claude’s Playhouse make sure da roads were scary 4 an extra hour, it also became a place where da community culd lift each udda up n time of need. For example: wen Pleofold Gautreaux (da man wit a dent n his head da shape of Captain Jack Sparrow) sneezed an it made da Captain Jack Sparrow shaped dent lose his pirate hat, T-T-Claude sold jambalaya plate lunches 2 pay 4 a professional dirt biker 2 run over Pleofold’s head. Afta several unsuccessful attempts 2 put a pirate hat sized dent bak n his head, Pleofold settled 4 Captain Jack 2 have a furry Queen Guard hat. Pleofold wuz still able 2 git his Disney Store discount.
Every1 n da community did not appreciate T-T-Claude’s Playhouse though. Da biggest critic wuz mah lil cousin T-Russ who’s shed he lived n wuz right next 2 da bar. T-Russ had 2 git up 2 werk at da potato farm early n da mornin an he wuld always wake 2 his tricycle bein double parked. T-Russ wuld den have 2 go n2 da Playhouse an have 2 ask arond 2 c whos vehicle wuz blockin n his tricycle. But cuz T-Russ speaks n boops an beeps, everybody thought he wuz da police so dey all left 1 by 1. It worked out n da end, but nobody felt comfortable sharin stories wit him abot times dey purchased 1 beer dey took out of a 6 pack at a gas station.
T-T-Claude’s Playhouse stayed opened until it mysteriously caught on fire 1 day, an T-T-Claude left me a note dat sed “goin on a long field trip. See u eventually.” It bin several months an I still haven’t herd bak frum T-T-Claude. I juss hope he havin a gud time but i do miss him. I know dat pig dat cums ova every day lukin 4 him wantin his cherries misses him 2.
The Cajun Juggalo Diaries 