Mah Maw Maw had her beanie baby gender reveal party dis pass weeken. She has gender reveal parties 4 beanie babies cuz she disappointed n da way her grandchildren turned ot. I didnt wanna go cuz I wanted 2 attend da LSU game so I culd steal Coach O’s identity n order 2 fuk his new hot gurlfren dat shows her tee tons on SnappinTurtleChat. Howeva, Priscilla convinced me 2 go by tellin me we culd stop an stare at da ditch on da way dere.
Speekin of snappin turtles, wen we got 2 da ditch we noticed dat Taunt Gelradine’s husband da turtle wuz no where 2 b found. So I axed Taunt Geraldine, who lives n da ditch, if her husband divorced her cuz she left boudin n da microwave too long. She sed her husband da turtle wuz n Bolivia, which is n southern Mexico right b4 u git 2 Africa. He wuz on a mission frum da CIA 2 poison da president. Mah crosseyed Taunt explained 2 me dat da STDs she gives turtles mutate n2 a type of food poisonin dat only kills Socialists. She has lost many husbands 2 CIA backed turtle coups. Tank u turtle husbands 4 keepin da US free of socialized hot sauces.
Afta findin ot dat Princess Diana’s chauffer crashed his car afta he had a reactshun 2 a turtle dipped n expired raisin canes sauce, we stopped by Clotile’s Specialty Cow Tounges 2 pick up a Clay Higgins Is Mah Reel Mah Daddy onsie 4 da yet 2 b gendered beanie baby. Wen I walked up 2 da door tho, I see da sign dat Priscilla told me sed “no mask, no entry.” So I opened da door an went 2 da lil gurl dressed as Kano frum Mortal Kombat an sed “How Clotile gonna have da Halloween Party an not tell me?” Da lil gurl say “I only werk here cuz mah birtmark bigga den Clotile” an axed me if I knew wut time she got off.
We finely arrived at Maw Maw’s nursin home wit da Clay Higgins Wife Wuz Gud N Da Craft onesie since da daddy one wuz sold ot. Da atmosphere at Our Lady of Pee Frog Retirement Community wuz different. Most of da residents had perished due 2 drownin at da Trump Boat Parade cuz dere ventalators weighed dere pirogues down. It tuk a while 2 git everybody out of Mr. Gerards above ground pool.
Since da passin of most da nursin home residents, it left Our Lady of Pee Frog half empty. Dere wuz talks of makin it da temporary shelter for hurricane evacues, but Scarlett Johanson bought all of da vacant rooms an made dem AirBNBs. Da home wuz soon filled wit tourists axin u if alligators werked at da mall, an if da cripple man frum Breaking Bad wuz fakin it. It wuz annoying, but at least nobody wuz frum Lake Charles.
Once we got 2 Maw Maws room, we noticed sum peeple dat luked like da elves I see wen I eat chicken feed an close mah eyes. I sed 2 dem, “Ay peeple n mah long blink nightmares, where mah Maw Maw?” Dey sed she wuz watching peeple break up, an introduced demselves as Stinky an Goku. Da peeple dat luks confuse me sed dey were visitin frum Portland which is da last town b4 u reach da moon. Wen I axed y dey were here, dey sed dey were rentin dis place 2 try 2 influence da election since only old peeple vote. Dey sed it has bin a hard time convincin mah maw maw 2 vote 4 Joe Boudin since she tinks its 1960.
Wen I told dem I wuz dere cuz mah Maw Maw wuz havin da gender reveal party, dey sed dat gender da social construct. I sed “I tink I know a mechanic dat can fix dat.” Dey den explained sumting I saw on MTV 1 time dat mah Mama made me kneel on rice 4 watchin. I culdnt really follow wut dey were talkin bout, but I tink wut dey sed is a beanie baby is a toy derefore it not a boy or girl. So I told dem I agreed wit dem, but it make mah Maw Maw happy an I wuld dump dere body in da Atchafalaya Basin if dey ruined her dementia fantasy.
Mah Maw Maw den entered da room, an we reminded her who we were b4 she culd demand lower prices 4 stamps. She sed “mais Gaston, u wife fat.” I sed “tank u. She da white Lizzo.” She sed “wut da Lizzo?” An I sed “Lizzo is da slang 4 lizard. Mah wife is prehistoric Lizard. Lizards r usually green an mah wife is white.” She sed “mais Gaston, U wife Fat.”
Now it wuz time 4 da gender reveal. 4 dis beanie baby, da gender wuld be revealed by da color T-Russ wud git wen he wuz chokin on twizlers he ate 2 fast. So T-Russ put abot 70 twizlers n his mot at once an started chokin. I thought he wuz blue, Maw Maw thought he wuz pink, Priscilla had twizlers n her mot 2 so we culdnt undastan her, an wen we axed Stinky an Goku wut dey thought dey sed dey culdnt see color. It wuz now time 2 call n da Dubois, da Gender Reveal Bear.
Dubois da Gender Reveal Bear wuz a bear dat had 2 make his living tellin peeple da gender of dere babies, cuz da forest he lived n wuz burned down by da gender reveal party. Da way Dubois wud tell u da gender of u baby, wuz he wuld eat sum1 an da gender of dat person wuz da gender of da baby. Da bear ate Stinky, and we all cheered. Da baby now had a gender. Except we didnt no wut Stinky wuz. Goku explained dat Stinky wuz nonbinary, an nonbinary means u dont have da gender. So basically, Stinky wuz a toy.
I told Maw Maw, “I know dis gonna upset u, but u Beanie Baby a toy.” Maw Maw sed “i knew it wuz gonna be a boy! Ima name him afta our current president. Everybody meet mah new Beanie Baby, JFK jr.”
JFK jr had finally cum bak. I wonder if he culd take da vice president place b4 he eats a turtle mah Taunt Geraldine fukd. I still have 2 bring T-Russ 2 da hospital.
causin me 2 have 2 call n 2 mah part time job of interprettin wut Coach O says n his post game press conferences. I usually disregard most tings he says an ax da journalists “tell me how 2 download snapchat so i can see his new girlfriends tee tons.”