Josephine Da Depression Crawfish

Deer Diary,

Mah brane health bin actin up an im feelin like da weight of da flat earth is on mah shoulders. I don’t wanna go outside 2 luk at da ditch. Goin frog huntin n mah closet don’t even sound appealin 2 me. I juss wish I had da strength 2 git on YouTube 2 watch chickens git n altercations. I got da depression.

Depression cum n many shapes an circles, but mine is a crawfish. Every now an den a crawfish named Josephine da Depression Crawfish crawls n2 mah brane 2 bum me out. She tell me tings like “mah daddy is boudin stuffin an mah momma is an etouffee” an it makes me sadder den a unpainted shed.

Josephine da Depression Crawfish always seems 2 crawl n2 mah brane wen crawfish season starts 2 make me feel bad abot eatin her family. I try an say “git out mah brane, mudbug. Dat not mah problem” but she cum bak wit “da ponds where I live have bin pillaged 4 u kinds pleasure. U will listen 2 mah stories Clown!”

Luk, I undastan dat crawfishes have a hard life, but y do I gotta b reminded of dat? I pay taxes on mah stolen furniture an stopped makin fun of Vietnamese peeple 2 dere face on sundays. Don’t I do enuf 2 live mah life n peace?

Dats not da way it is tho so I must find ways of dealin wit it. 1 way I deal wit mah depression is I put a water hose n mah ear 2 c if dat will drive Josephine da Depression Crawfish out da udda ear. Wen dat don’t werk I luk n da mirror an give mah self positive affirmentashuns like “drinkin whisky every day DOES make u a gud dad” an “neva makin u wife cum is actually an accomplishment”.

I have gone 2 Samuel da Puppet Therapist 2 git help. Unfortunately da cricket puppet dat told antisocialism jokes culdnt even make me feel betta. Udda peeple told me dat I shuld juss wear ear muffs b4 crawfish season starts so Josephine don’t crawl n dere. An im like “if I wear ear muffs how im gonna hear mah dreams?” An den da teller asks me 2 leeve da bank.

I know dat da depression gonna go away afta crawfish season ends but im juss tired of dealin wit it. Luckily it hasn’t caused me 2 take mah life. I can’t say da same ting 4 mah old friend Arnold da Crawfish Farmer.

Arnold tuk his life 1 day afta a crawfish crawled n is his brane an sed “u can’t google image search crawfish witout seein piles of ded crawfish. Stop profitin off genocide!” Arnold den drowned himself n his crawfish pond. He left a note behind dat sed “make sure wen u boil me it’s wit potatoes an corn.”

If u or sumbody u know tinkin abot takin dere own life cuz a crawfish crawled n2 u brane, call me. Mah numba is 3. Den cum 2 mah house, an maybe da crawfish will crawl out of our branes so dey can play cards against each udda.