Possum Kingdom

Deer Diary,

Da possums dat live unda mah trailer r currently a nation witout a leader. Last month dere honorable an hideous leader, Bonsoir da possum, passed away. Now dey must hold an election 2 c who will lead dem n2 peeples yards at night 2 hiss at dere pets an make stepdads tink dey saw da devil.

Typically da possums have a chain of command so n da event of a Possum King passin away, he wuld have some1 2 succeed him. Howeva, Bonsoir wuz beleeved 2 b immortal cuz he ate a yankee gumbo an didnt kick da pee bucket. Dere4, he felt no need 2 have a skipper or sum1 teech any1 his diseased marsupial ways. Un4tunately 4 him, beleevin he wuz immortal eventually led 2 his demise as he played chicken wit a combine an got shredded worse den a Popeyes receipt wen I don’t want mah wife 2 know I ate out. Bonsoir wuz da reeson 4 dat cornbread recall at Piggly Wiggly. I wuz able 2 git a hold of some though. I need sumting 2 give me a buzz juss n case I run outta beer.

Ima eat dat.

Da possums take dere elections very seriously an dere r rules 4 runnin 4 possum king.

Da first is dat u gotta b a possum. Da possums made dis rule afta dey elected a catfish dat fell outta sumbodies ice chest on da side of da road. He ran on da ticket of “deres neva bin a catfish possum king b4” an won. Den wen elected, da catfish promised da possums dat he will git dem all da Swiss rolls dey wanted, as long as dey brought him 2 da Gulf Of Mexico. Well, da dey brought him dere. An wen dey got dere he jumped n da water, an wuz neva seen agin. Afta dat, da possums trusted no nonpossum 2 lead dem stating “we don’t know who lives n da Gulf of Mexico an who dont. Cuz we possums an neva got da proper schoolin 2 teech us dat.”

Da only udda rule 2 b possum lord is u gotta know da difference between a road an a bed. Many possums lose dere lives cuz dey tink a road is a bed. An den wen dey see a car cummin down da road dey all like “y da hell a damn car on dis bed? Don’t dey know I’m sleepin!” An den dey git runned over. Sum possums have even tried protestin dat da road is a bed but dey git runned over 2. 1 of dem possums put a dent n mah tricycle!

So witout sum1 n dere possum kingdom dat isn’t realy sure if a road is a bed or not, da possums dat live unda mah trailer have turned 2 outsiders 4 leadership.

Da front runner 4 possum king is currently a possum named Couillier dat lives n da newspaper stand at da gas station. He live n da newsstand 2 save peeple frum reedin da fake news, an da newspaper is comfortable 2 sleep on. Coulier gained popularity afta he pretended he wuz ded n a Pizza Hut. Da Pizza Hut closes 4 da day, an all da possums got 2 eat da buffet.

Ugh. He luk gross.

Cuz of his talent 2 sneek n2 places an pretend 2 play ded an b grosser den every1 else he wuz runnin unopposed.

Den T-Russ did a 23andme an found out he wuz 1 percent possum so he entered himself n da runnin. T-Russ really don’t care abot da possums dat much. He juss won’t live long cuz he got progeria, an wants 2 b arond a group of species dat won’t live longer den him 2 make himself feel betta. Also, T-Russ is gud at crawlin n vents an dat is appealing 2 sum voters.

How old u tink T-Russ is?

Whoeva gits elected will face a few challenges regardin da possum kingdom.

Da main 1 is da disappearance of possums frum undaneef mah trailer. Da news sed it juss possums deciding 2 b roadies 4 da Dave Mathiews Band. Stating dat since dey don’t live long dey juss wanna jam. Howeva if u watch da internet deres bin a lot of reports dat dey r bein abducted an sold 2 Build-o-Possum n da mall.

Build-o-Possum is a store n da mall where u can dress up an old ded possum however u want. Dey started afta da owners daughter wuz born wit possum limbs an a possum tail. Da owner noticed his daughter wuz sad wen she played wit Barbies. He sed n da paper “da barbies set unrealistic beauty standards 4 mah daughter cuz of her possum limbs. Also sometimes I hear her n da middle of da night screamin ‘I don’t have rabies Barbie!’ An I wake up an da barbies face is scratched off wit a note by it dat says ‘god did dis 2 me 4 a reeson’. But da hand writing is kinda fucked up cuz of her possum limbs.”

Couillier has promised if elected he will put up some fencing undaneef mah trailer 2 keep da possums frum gettin abducted. Stating dat “we gonna put up fencing an make Gaston pay 4 it.” I can’t afford dat shit so dat not true. Howeva some fencing undaneef mah trailer wuld luk nice so I might juss set up a gofundme 2 raise money 4 dat. Den ima steal Mr. Gerard’s fencing he got undaneef his trailer an use da gofundme money 2 buy a refurbished Sega Dreamcast.

Dats a Ghenghus Kahn possum T-T-Claude made at Build-o-Possum n da mall. It smell.

Votin day is cummin up an da polls r showin dat Couillier is gonna win wit 6 votes. Wit 4 of da votes sayin dey gonna vote 4 T-Russ, an da udda 30 possums sayin dey not sure if da votin booth I set up n da u-haul is a trap or not 2 move dem 2 anotha yard.

Whateva happens next Tuesday, I juss hope da u-haul place don’t charge me extra 4 leavin all dem possums n dere. I put it on Mr. Gerard’s credit card so im not dat worried.

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