Mah fat gross wife Priscilla got stuck n da mud agin tryin 2 git da mail. I told her dat I wuz gonna git da mail, but she sed dat da Sports Illustrated 4 kids swimsuit issue wuz n da mail an da baby frum Family Guy wuz gonna b on it. Priscilla wants 2 eat dat baby, but I sed dat she cant do dat cuz it can talk. It ok 2 eat babys but only if dey cant talk like da 1 on Australian Powers dat Chris Farley tried 2 eat. Priscilla trys 2 eat T-Russ all da time.
Anyway, I told Priscilla “Da doctor sed dat u cant go outside afta it rains cuz da Earth is gonna try an eat u like u wanna eat dat baby.” An She sed “well at leest dats 1 ting dats gonna try an eat me”. Priscilla wuz makin a joke cuz I’m afraid 2 put mah mouth on her tuh-tut. Da reeson y i dont do dat is Im afraid mah face paint gonna git on her tuh-tut an da same peeple dat shot Bruce Lees kid gonna tink her tuh-tut is Da Crow.
So Pricilla stepped outside an she immediately sank 2 her ankles. I knew dis wuz gonna b a process 2 git her out but also I wuz releeved dat it wuz only 2 her ankles an not her tuh-tut.
So I got on da phone wit da towin place an sed “mah fat gross wife Priscilla is fixin 2 git eatin out by da Earth. Can u bring a tow truck?” Dey sed “wut kinda wife u got?” An I sed “a 1973 Kaplan Bus Driver”. An dey sed “we gonna need u 2 sign a waiver sayin we not liable for any damages n case we pull her out an decide 2 take her tiki tubin wit us so we dont have 2 rent a floaty.” An I sed “if she pops on a branch Ima b mad! An yes I can do dat”. I only agreed 2 sign da waiver cuz I cant spell so I can still sue dem. Fernard da garfish lawyer taught me dat scam.
2 hours lata da tow truck showed up. Da mud had now reeched Priscilla’s kneecaps. Da Lege family dat live n Pricilla’s kneepits had 2 evacuate 2 Shreveport.
Da tow truck man got out he truck an sed “Priscilla, dat u?” Priscilla sed “Eloi?” I sed “how y’all kno each udder?” An she sed “he da lass man 2 eat mah tuh-tut”. Den Eloi, who is an alligata, sed “its not mah fault. I thought I wuz steelin crab bait.” I sed 2 Eloi “u lucky I needa liscense 2 shoot u!” An he sed “u not gonna talk 2 me like dat! Im gonna go get Etiennes wife out of a bathtub insted!” An I sed “gud luck fittin all u podnas on her wen u go tiki tubin! She only a 1978 Maurice Bank Teller!” An den he did a donut n mah yard an I thought dat wuz cool.
Afta Eloi left I had 2 tink of anudder plan. All da udda tow truck companies n da area were closed cuz i stole dere tow truck hooks to hang Priscilla’s moo moos out 2 dry.
An den I saw Mr Gerard’s tractor an I remembered dat he leaves his cast-net bak dere. My plan wuz 2 stand on top of da tractor an throw da cast-net on top of Priscilla hed. An den da cast-net wuld wrap around her hair like a hairnet. Afta noticin she had a hairnet on she wuld go cook me a gumbo.
Dis did not happen.
Wen I threw da castnet it did wrap arond her hair. However instead of goin cook me gumbo she pretended she wuz a shrimp an ate a nearby snail. Mr. Gerard came out his trailer 2 yell at me 4 makin noise durin da Price is Right but T-Russ tazed him wit da cattle prong b4 he saw I stole his werk tools. We threw him n da ditch afta so mah Taunt Geraldine culd go out on a date wit him.
2 hours had passed, an da mud had now alredy reeched Priscilla’s belly. Which is fine cuz her belly hang lower den her tuh-tut. However, da Faulk family dat lives n her belly button had 2 call a helicopta 2 bring dem 2 Alexandria.
An den T-Russ reminded me of Mr Comeaux da substitute teecher who prays on bo-bos an makes dem go away. He sed maybe if he prays on Pricilla da mud around her will go away. It sounded crazy but at leest Mr. Comeaux will git 2 talk 2 sumbody dats not farm equipment.
So I went 2 da Agricultural Institute of Pecan Island 2 find Mr. Comeaux. He wuz n da middle of tellin a war story 2 a combine. So I told Mr. Comeaux “Mr. Comeaux, mah wife is bein persuaded 2 have extra marital affairs wit da earth. I need u to pray on her 2 git her out da mud.” He say “ok, but I’m in da middle of a tutorin session. Can it wait?” I sed “u can tutor him an da way dere! Mah wife’s n trouble!” An den da combine tanked me 4 takin him on a field trip.
So 2 days pass b4 we git bak 2 mah house. It tuk so long cuz Mr. Comeaux saw a quail egg at da gas station dat he had 2 talk 2 cuz he knew his daddy.
Wen we got bak Priscilla saw us an sed “hurry. Da earth found out mah belly button ain’t mah tuh-tut an is creepin undaneef mah belly 2 git 2 da reel 1!”
So we git out da combine an Mr. Comeaux went ask Mr. Gerard’s tractor wen he wuz gonna pay him 4 tutorin him bak n 1957. During Mr. Comeaux’s conversation wit da tractor I noticed sumting. Priscilla wuz reedin da Sports Illustrated 4 kids swimsuit issue. I sed Priscilla how u got dat? An she sed “oh. Da mailman saw I wuz stuck an came give it 2 me.” An I sed “oh dats nice of him 2 do. Did he happen 2 say anyting about me bein his son?”
An den mah Taunt Geraldine popped out da ditch an sed “dat a lie! She pulled herself out da mud 2 go git herself!” An den went bak on her date wit Mr. Gerard who wuz bein held down by her turtle children so he culd listen 2 her version of Phil Collins “In da air 2nite” drum solo dat she lerned on da scrub-board.
I luked at Priscilla an sed “is mah beautiful successful aunt speakin da truths.” An Priscilla started 2 poot. Which is a normal ting she did. If Priscilla pooted it usually didnt mean anyting. It wuz wen she wuznt pootin is wen u had 2 worry. 1 time Priscilla stopped pootin an we found out it wuz cuz Pope John Paul died.
But Priscilla wuznt juss pootin. It sounded like “Boop beep. Boop beep.” An I sed “where T-Russ at?” An i herd dem boops an beeps more cumin frum Priscilla’s fonkulot. An I sed “Priscilla! Tell me where T-Russ at?” An Taunt Geraldine popped out da ditch agin an sed “she ate him so he wuldnt tell!” An Pricilla pooted out T-Russ along wit Verne Troyer an John F Kennedy Jr.
An I sed “Priscilla! How u gonna lie 2 me?!” An she sed “I thought u wuld b mad at me!” I sed “Mais I wuldnt b mad. Im juss a lil confused y u went bak n da mud.” An she say “Gaston dis hard 2 say but I wanted da Earth 2 eat mah tuh-tut. U neva eat mah tuh-tut an im tired of trickin alligatas.” An I sed “cuz dey use 2 much teef?”. An she sed “no. It cuz dey not trustworthy tow truck company owners. I know 6 udda ladies who have bin pulled out frum sofas to church pews by dem an it always da same story. Dey take dem 2 use as a raft 2 go tiki tubin, abandon dem half way thru da ride 2 go kill egrets an da ladies have 2 end up livin n da woods.” An I sed “oh dam. Dats y da banks bin hirin.”
Priscilla den say “If u wanna leeve me I undastan. U neva ate mah tuh-tut anyway. U juss tink im gross an fat.” An I sed “yeah u gross an fat. But dat wut I like abot u. I grew up tinkin Meatloaf wuz da sexist lady an I told maself wen I wuz young ‘if I can’t have Meatloaf, Ima git sumbody grosser an fatter.’ An as far as eatin u tuh-tut. U know dat I dont do dat cuz Im scared mah face paint will make u tuh-tut luk like da Crow.” An she sed “Yes tank u 4 protectin me frum peeple dat mad at Bruce Lee. Ima git out da mud now 2 go cook u gumbo.”
An as she wuz abot 2 git out I sed “Priscilla I tink u shud stay n da mud. If u wanna git u tuh-tut ate by da Earth it fine wit me.” An she sed “Really Gaston?!” An I sed “as long as u dont git mud on u tee-tons”. An den I held Priscilla’s hand as da mud slowly crept back up her tuh-tut an we both lukd into each udders eyes an smiled. Dat wuz da start of our polyamorous relationship wit da Earth.
Da Lemaire family dats lived n Priscilla’s tuh-tut were unable 2 evacuate n time. Priscilla’s tuh-tut is no longer available 2 rent, out of respect 4 da deceased Lemaire family.