Possum Kingdom

Deer Diary,

Da possums dat live unda mah trailer r currently a nation witout a leader. Last month dere honorable an hideous leader, Bonsoir da possum, passed away. Now dey must hold an election 2 c who will lead dem n2 peeples yards at night 2 hiss at dere pets an make stepdads tink dey saw da devil.

Typically da possums have a chain of command so n da event of a Possum King passin away, he wuld have some1 2 succeed him. Howeva, Bonsoir wuz beleeved 2 b immortal cuz he ate a yankee gumbo an didnt kick da pee bucket. Dere4, he felt no need 2 have a skipper or sum1 teech any1 his diseased marsupial ways. Un4tunately 4 him, beleevin he wuz immortal eventually led 2 his demise as he played chicken wit a combine an got shredded worse den a Popeyes receipt wen I don’t want mah wife 2 know I ate out. Bonsoir wuz da reeson 4 dat cornbread recall at Piggly Wiggly. I wuz able 2 git a hold of some though. I need sumting 2 give me a buzz juss n case I run outta beer.

Ima eat dat.

Da possums take dere elections very seriously an dere r rules 4 runnin 4 possum king.

Da first is dat u gotta b a possum. Da possums made dis rule afta dey elected a catfish dat fell outta sumbodies ice chest on da side of da road. He ran on da ticket of “deres neva bin a catfish possum king b4” an won. Den wen elected, da catfish promised da possums dat he will git dem all da Swiss rolls dey wanted, as long as dey brought him 2 da Gulf Of Mexico. Well, da dey brought him dere. An wen dey got dere he jumped n da water, an wuz neva seen agin. Afta dat, da possums trusted no nonpossum 2 lead dem stating “we don’t know who lives n da Gulf of Mexico an who dont. Cuz we possums an neva got da proper schoolin 2 teech us dat.”

Da only udda rule 2 b possum lord is u gotta know da difference between a road an a bed. Many possums lose dere lives cuz dey tink a road is a bed. An den wen dey see a car cummin down da road dey all like “y da hell a damn car on dis bed? Don’t dey know I’m sleepin!” An den dey git runned over. Sum possums have even tried protestin dat da road is a bed but dey git runned over 2. 1 of dem possums put a dent n mah tricycle!

So witout sum1 n dere possum kingdom dat isn’t realy sure if a road is a bed or not, da possums dat live unda mah trailer have turned 2 outsiders 4 leadership.

Da front runner 4 possum king is currently a possum named Couillier dat lives n da newspaper stand at da gas station. He live n da newsstand 2 save peeple frum reedin da fake news, an da newspaper is comfortable 2 sleep on. Coulier gained popularity afta he pretended he wuz ded n a Pizza Hut. Da Pizza Hut closes 4 da day, an all da possums got 2 eat da buffet.

Ugh. He luk gross.

Cuz of his talent 2 sneek n2 places an pretend 2 play ded an b grosser den every1 else he wuz runnin unopposed.

Den T-Russ did a 23andme an found out he wuz 1 percent possum so he entered himself n da runnin. T-Russ really don’t care abot da possums dat much. He juss won’t live long cuz he got progeria, an wants 2 b arond a group of species dat won’t live longer den him 2 make himself feel betta. Also, T-Russ is gud at crawlin n vents an dat is appealing 2 sum voters.

How old u tink T-Russ is?

Whoeva gits elected will face a few challenges regardin da possum kingdom.

Da main 1 is da disappearance of possums frum undaneef mah trailer. Da news sed it juss possums deciding 2 b roadies 4 da Dave Mathiews Band. Stating dat since dey don’t live long dey juss wanna jam. Howeva if u watch da internet deres bin a lot of reports dat dey r bein abducted an sold 2 Build-o-Possum n da mall.

Build-o-Possum is a store n da mall where u can dress up an old ded possum however u want. Dey started afta da owners daughter wuz born wit possum limbs an a possum tail. Da owner noticed his daughter wuz sad wen she played wit Barbies. He sed n da paper “da barbies set unrealistic beauty standards 4 mah daughter cuz of her possum limbs. Also sometimes I hear her n da middle of da night screamin ‘I don’t have rabies Barbie!’ An I wake up an da barbies face is scratched off wit a note by it dat says ‘god did dis 2 me 4 a reeson’. But da hand writing is kinda fucked up cuz of her possum limbs.”

Couillier has promised if elected he will put up some fencing undaneef mah trailer 2 keep da possums frum gettin abducted. Stating dat “we gonna put up fencing an make Gaston pay 4 it.” I can’t afford dat shit so dat not true. Howeva some fencing undaneef mah trailer wuld luk nice so I might juss set up a gofundme 2 raise money 4 dat. Den ima steal Mr. Gerard’s fencing he got undaneef his trailer an use da gofundme money 2 buy a refurbished Sega Dreamcast.

Dats a Ghenghus Kahn possum T-T-Claude made at Build-o-Possum n da mall. It smell.

Votin day is cummin up an da polls r showin dat Couillier is gonna win wit 6 votes. Wit 4 of da votes sayin dey gonna vote 4 T-Russ, an da udda 30 possums sayin dey not sure if da votin booth I set up n da u-haul is a trap or not 2 move dem 2 anotha yard.

Whateva happens next Tuesday, I juss hope da u-haul place don’t charge me extra 4 leavin all dem possums n dere. I put it on Mr. Gerard’s credit card so im not dat worried.

Priscilla Got Stuck In Da Mud

Deer diary,

Mah fat gross wife Priscilla got stuck n da mud agin tryin 2 git da mail. I told her dat I wuz gonna git da mail, but she sed dat da Sports Illustrated 4 kids swimsuit issue wuz n da mail an da baby frum Family Guy wuz gonna b on it. Priscilla wants 2 eat dat baby, but I sed dat she cant do dat cuz it can talk. It ok 2 eat babys but only if dey cant talk like da 1 on Australian Powers dat Chris Farley tried 2 eat. Priscilla trys 2 eat T-Russ all da time.

Anyway, I told Priscilla “Da doctor sed dat u cant go outside afta it rains cuz da Earth is gonna try an eat u like u wanna eat dat baby.” An She sed “well at leest dats 1 ting dats gonna try an eat me”. Priscilla wuz makin a joke cuz I’m afraid 2 put mah mouth on her tuh-tut. Da reeson y i dont do dat is Im afraid mah face paint gonna git on her tuh-tut an da same peeple dat shot Bruce Lees kid gonna tink her tuh-tut is Da Crow.

So Pricilla stepped outside an she immediately sank 2 her ankles. I knew dis wuz gonna b a process 2 git her out but also I wuz releeved dat it wuz only 2 her ankles an not her tuh-tut.

Dis how big Priscilla is compared 2 me. I like it doe.

So I got on da phone wit da towin place an sed “mah fat gross wife Priscilla is fixin 2 git eatin out by da Earth. Can u bring a tow truck?” Dey sed “wut kinda wife u got?” An I sed “a 1973 Kaplan Bus Driver”. An dey sed “we gonna need u 2 sign a waiver sayin we not liable for any damages n case we pull her out an decide 2 take her tiki tubin wit us so we dont have 2 rent a floaty.” An I sed “if she pops on a branch Ima b mad! An yes I can do dat”. I only agreed 2 sign da waiver cuz I cant spell so I can still sue dem. Fernard da garfish lawyer taught me dat scam.

2 hours lata da tow truck showed up. Da mud had now reeched Priscilla’s kneecaps. Da Lege family dat live n Pricilla’s kneepits had 2 evacuate 2 Shreveport.

Da tow truck man got out he truck an sed “Priscilla, dat u?” Priscilla sed “Eloi?” I sed “how y’all kno each udder?” An she sed “he da lass man 2 eat mah tuh-tut”. Den Eloi, who is an alligata, sed “its not mah fault. I thought I wuz steelin crab bait.” I sed 2 Eloi “u lucky I needa liscense 2 shoot u!” An he sed “u not gonna talk 2 me like dat! Im gonna go get Etiennes wife out of a bathtub insted!” An I sed “gud luck fittin all u podnas on her wen u go tiki tubin! She only a 1978 Maurice Bank Teller!” An den he did a donut n mah yard an I thought dat wuz cool.

Eloi will give u a gud deal if u give him bread.

Afta Eloi left I had 2 tink of anudder plan. All da udda tow truck companies n da area were closed cuz i stole dere tow truck hooks to hang Priscilla’s moo moos out 2 dry.

An den I saw Mr Gerard’s tractor an I remembered dat he leaves his cast-net bak dere. My plan wuz 2 stand on top of da tractor an throw da cast-net on top of Priscilla hed. An den da cast-net wuld wrap around her hair like a hairnet. Afta noticin she had a hairnet on she wuld go cook me a gumbo.

Dis did not happen.

Wen I threw da castnet it did wrap arond her hair. However instead of goin cook me gumbo she pretended she wuz a shrimp an ate a nearby snail. Mr. Gerard came out his trailer 2 yell at me 4 makin noise durin da Price is Right but T-Russ tazed him wit da cattle prong b4 he saw I stole his werk tools. We threw him n da ditch afta so mah Taunt Geraldine culd go out on a date wit him.

2 hours had passed, an da mud had now alredy reeched Priscilla’s belly. Which is fine cuz her belly hang lower den her tuh-tut. However, da Faulk family dat lives n her belly button had 2 call a helicopta 2 bring dem 2 Alexandria.

An den T-Russ reminded me of Mr Comeaux da substitute teecher who prays on bo-bos an makes dem go away. He sed maybe if he prays on Pricilla da mud around her will go away. It sounded crazy but at leest Mr. Comeaux will git 2 talk 2 sumbody dats not farm equipment.

So I went 2 da Agricultural Institute of Pecan Island 2 find Mr. Comeaux. He wuz n da middle of tellin a war story 2 a combine. So I told Mr. Comeaux “Mr. Comeaux, mah wife is bein persuaded 2 have extra marital affairs wit da earth. I need u to pray on her 2 git her out da mud.” He say “ok, but I’m in da middle of a tutorin session. Can it wait?” I sed “u can tutor him an da way dere! Mah wife’s n trouble!” An den da combine tanked me 4 takin him on a field trip.

All substitute teechers have da ability 2 pray on u bo-bos 2 make dem betta. Anudder name 4 substitute teecher is “traiteur”

So 2 days pass b4 we git bak 2 mah house. It tuk so long cuz Mr. Comeaux saw a quail egg at da gas station dat he had 2 talk 2 cuz he knew his daddy.

Wen we got bak Priscilla saw us an sed “hurry. Da earth found out mah belly button ain’t mah tuh-tut an is creepin undaneef mah belly 2 git 2 da reel 1!”

So we git out da combine an Mr. Comeaux went ask Mr. Gerard’s tractor wen he wuz gonna pay him 4 tutorin him bak n 1957. During Mr. Comeaux’s conversation wit da tractor I noticed sumting. Priscilla wuz reedin da Sports Illustrated 4 kids swimsuit issue. I sed Priscilla how u got dat? An she sed “oh. Da mailman saw I wuz stuck an came give it 2 me.” An I sed “oh dats nice of him 2 do. Did he happen 2 say anyting about me bein his son?”

An den mah Taunt Geraldine popped out da ditch an sed “dat a lie! She pulled herself out da mud 2 go git herself!” An den went bak on her date wit Mr. Gerard who wuz bein held down by her turtle children so he culd listen 2 her version of Phil Collins “In da air 2nite” drum solo dat she lerned on da scrub-board.

I luked at Priscilla an sed “is mah beautiful successful aunt speakin da truths.” An Priscilla started 2 poot. Which is a normal ting she did. If Priscilla pooted it usually didnt mean anyting. It wuz wen she wuznt pootin is wen u had 2 worry. 1 time Priscilla stopped pootin an we found out it wuz cuz Pope John Paul died.

But Priscilla wuznt juss pootin. It sounded like “Boop beep. Boop beep.” An I sed “where T-Russ at?” An i herd dem boops an beeps more cumin frum Priscilla’s fonkulot. An I sed “Priscilla! Tell me where T-Russ at?” An Taunt Geraldine popped out da ditch agin an sed “she ate him so he wuldnt tell!” An Pricilla pooted out T-Russ along wit Verne Troyer an John F Kennedy Jr.

An I sed “Priscilla! How u gonna lie 2 me?!” An she sed “I thought u wuld b mad at me!” I sed “Mais I wuldnt b mad. Im juss a lil confused y u went bak n da mud.” An she say “Gaston dis hard 2 say but I wanted da Earth 2 eat mah tuh-tut. U neva eat mah tuh-tut an im tired of trickin alligatas.” An I sed “cuz dey use 2 much teef?”. An she sed “no. It cuz dey not trustworthy tow truck company owners. I know 6 udda ladies who have bin pulled out frum sofas to church pews by dem an it always da same story. Dey take dem 2 use as a raft 2 go tiki tubin, abandon dem half way thru da ride 2 go kill egrets an da ladies have 2 end up livin n da woods.” An I sed “oh dam. Dats y da banks bin hirin.”

Priscilla den say “If u wanna leeve me I undastan. U neva ate mah tuh-tut anyway. U juss tink im gross an fat.” An I sed “yeah u gross an fat. But dat wut I like abot u. I grew up tinkin Meatloaf wuz da sexist lady an I told maself wen I wuz young ‘if I can’t have Meatloaf, Ima git sumbody grosser an fatter.’ An as far as eatin u tuh-tut. U know dat I dont do dat cuz Im scared mah face paint will make u tuh-tut luk like da Crow.” An she sed “Yes tank u 4 protectin me frum peeple dat mad at Bruce Lee. Ima git out da mud now 2 go cook u gumbo.”

An as she wuz abot 2 git out I sed “Priscilla I tink u shud stay n da mud. If u wanna git u tuh-tut ate by da Earth it fine wit me.” An she sed “Really Gaston?!” An I sed “as long as u dont git mud on u tee-tons”. An den I held Priscilla’s hand as da mud slowly crept back up her tuh-tut an we both lukd into each udders eyes an smiled. Dat wuz da start of our polyamorous relationship wit da Earth.

Me an Priscilla tiki tubin 2 celebrate bein Polyamorous wit da Earth. Also, Priscilla needed 2 cleen da mud out her tuh-tut.

Da Lemaire family dats lived n Priscilla’s tuh-tut were unable 2 evacuate n time. Priscilla’s tuh-tut is no longer available 2 rent, out of respect 4 da deceased Lemaire family.

T-Russ counts wrong

Deer Diary,

T-Russ made up a numba wen we wuz counting da utta day. He sed “eleven”. Bruh. I hope he know im not gonna fall 4 no shit like dat. Eleven not a numba. Eleven is da name of dat lil boy on da new E.T. He sed eleven is wut cum afta 10. Which dat dumb. Cuz everybody kno dat wen u count it’s “9, 10,” you say a “glory be” den “a mystery” den an “our father” den count to 10 agin an repeat until u git 2 da lass numba, “hail holy queen”. I learned how 2 count right using mah Holy Abacus.

T-Russ is mah cousin. He got progeria so he speeks n Boops an Beeps. Im da only 1 dat can undastan him. A few birds undastan him 2.

T-Russ always tinks he knows his shit. 1 time tried 2 tell me dat Bill Clinton used 2 b President. Mais wut? I sed “t-Russ, juss cuz u play da French Horn on da Magic Johnson show, dat dont meen u President.” He sed “dat wuz da Arsenio Hall show an he played saxophone.” I sed “make up aunuder werd n mah house im feedin u 2 da roosters!” Dat T-Russ musta forgot dat George HW Bush wuz President until he resigned wen his wife hurt her tuh-tut jumping out dat buildin on September 11, 2001. Dats wen he gave his son George W Bush da position.

Da events surroundin da death of Vice President Fabulous Cajun Chicken r suspicious. It wuz beleevd dat he wuz poisond by da Cajun Pepper cuz he knew da truth on y Barbara Bush jumpd out dat window an hurt her tuh-tut.

T-Russ is always actin up cuz I steel his progeria medication 2 take wen I cut flips n da backyard 2 travel thru time. If progeria makes T-Russ age fast den I dont see how it wont make me travel in 2 da future 2 see if dey eva induct Jake Delhomme n2 da pro football hall of fame. It hasnt happined yet an I tink it cuz Im not cuttin flips fast enuf. Next time im n da fun jump ima git mah fat gross wife Pricilla 2 double bounce me so I can see Jake Delhomme finally git wut he deserves.

1 time I used da same Porta Potty as Jake Delhomme wen I wuz at Mardi Gras

I tink wut T-Russ problem is is dat he dont have a gross fat wife 2 call his own. An it not dat T-Russ don’t git da women, he ponced 3 lunch ladies at da Indian Bayou Bazaar last yeer. It dat all da women dat n2 him r copper diggers. Dey know dat he dont have long 2 live so dey juss in it 2 inherit his sugar cane field an turn it n2 a haunted trail ride. T-Russ needs a lady dats gonna luv T-Russ 4 T-Russ. Sum1 dat gonna walk on Holly Beach wit him. Sum1 dats gonna catch him wen he climbin out of a vent dat he wuz juss chasin a rat in. Sum1 dat gonna will lissin 2 him Boop and Beep wen he sees his favorite cow. Sum1 dats gonna buckle him n his high chair wen dey eat at Dons Seafood. Sum1 dat gonna change da channel wen Family Guy cum on so he dont try an fight dat baby dat talks. Sum1 dats rite 4 T-Russ.

Bernadette a freak

Anyway I tink I gotta stop gettin mad wen T-Russ does da rong ting. I gotta make sure dat im on his gud side so he put me n his will. Ima dig up da Cajun Chicken an have a Juggalo Gatherin n da field I inherit.

Mr. Gerard’s Mailbox

Deer Diary,

Mr. Gerard is threatenin 2 sue me 4 knockin down his mailbox. He can threaten me all he want, I wuz juss testin his mailbox 2 see if it culd withstan a natural disasta by dressin like a cow an hittin it wit a bat. Now Gerard know dat if a hurricane is cumin he needa board up his mailbox. I didnt watch Twista 4 nutin!!!

Mr. Gerard is mah neighbor. His mailbox talks.

Dis not da furst time Mr. Gerard has threatened 2 sue me. Da most recent threat came afta I put a detour sign n front of da road dat he sells shrimp on da side of. He claims dat I did dat cuz I didnt want him 2 afford a deck extension. An while him gettin a deck extension makes me feel insecure cuz I don’t have a deck, only sum steps dat me an T-Russ sit on an practice counting, he is foolish 2 tink dat. Part of mah incum is dependent of sellin da tings dat I steel frum Mr. Gerard. Da less he has, da less I have. Dats trick or treat economics 101.

Da real reason y I put dat detour sign wuz cuz mah Taunt Geraldine dat lives n da ditch wuz tryin 2 mate an she get mad wen cars cum by wen shes n da middle of seducin a turtle.

Taunt Geraldine gotta tootie on her forehed cuz she saw a documentary of dem scary fish wit tooties on dere foreheds dat live at da bottom of da ocean dat use dere tooties 2 help dem catch fish. Shes lives n da ditch cuz deres a warrant out 4 her arrest cuz she still hasnt returned Findin Nemeaux. Da Abbeville Blockbusta is serious bout dere documentaries!

Altho Mr. Gerard threatens 2 sue me all da time, he’s only actually tried 2 sue me once. I crashed his zero-turn lawnmower n2 Piggly Wiggly so I culd make an entrance big enuf 4 mah gross fat wife Priscilla 2 fit thru. Mr. Gerard tried 2 sue cuz he sed I wuz damagin his property. An while dat true, a free improvement 2 a local business is legal as per amendment 337 of da Vermilion Parish constitution which states “installin a big door 4 puhtots 4 free is gud, even if u hurt Mr. Gerard’s lawnmower doin it.” Mr. Gerard had 2 sell shrimp on thanksgivin 2 pay his lawyer.

Dats da pig. He sees all.

If Mr. Gerard eva does try 2 sue me doe, I am prepared. I juss met a lawyer named Fernard. Fernard is a garfish. Fernard studied law at da University of Louisiana at Lafayette where he lived n da swamp an worked n da library puttin up books. Da time he spent n da library tawt him many tings. Like how 2 turn a book page wit his fins an how long he can breeth on land. Da library still smells like him 2 dis day.

My Paw Paw always told me “neva trust a garfish” but he neva met a garfish wit a tie.

I tink 2morrow 2 show Mr. Gerard dere is no ill will, I’m gonna put his mailbox back up. An in it, Ill put 1 of da turtles dat mah Taunt Geraldine gave birth 2. Mah Taunt don’t make enuf money 2 raise dem all, an I know Mr. Gerard always wanted 2 b a daddy.

T-T-Claude’s Baptism

Deer Diary,

We baptized T-T-Claude 2day. Da preest wuz Filapino so I hope dat God undastood him wen he poured Faygo on T-T-Claude’s head. While im da happy dat T-T-Claude will geaux 2 heavin once he ovadoses on synthetic marijuana like his ancestors have done b4 him, I am sad dat he will neva git 2 meat Paul Prudome who is cookin up sum mean stews n Hell.

Me an T-T-Claude wit Father GHOST n front of Church.

T-Russ mad at me cuz I didnt make him T-T-Claude’s Parrain. He can “Boop” and “Beep” at me all he want. He alredy mah pet nutria rat John McCain Hebert’s Parrain. An he not even a gud Parrain 2 John MCain. Every birtday John McCain has T-Russ buy him da finga puppet book an every yeer John McCain bites mah fingas wen I pretend 2 reed it 2 him.

I spray paint John McCain Hebert LSU colors cuz im tryin 2 sell him 2 dat gas stashun n Grosse Tete. He likes da way he luks.

I am happy dat Terry is T-T-Claude’s Parrain. He seem like he will make T-T-Claude live da Catholic life juss n case I die b4 T-T-Claude reaches da age dat he can attend ICP concerts witout parental guydance. I knew Terry wuz a gud choice wen he was n mah trunk an didnt cumplain abot mah George Straight cassette bein 2 loud. Im still not sure where 2 drop him off at.

I saw Terry lukin at da expensive Dr Pepper so I asked him if he culd cum luk at mah go kart wheel to see if it wuz round enuf. As he approached mah car trunk I sed “da rougarous out! Git n da trunk!” He turned at me an luked at me stupid so I hit him wit mah steel toed boot.

It a gud ting T-T-Claude got a gud Parrain cuz his Nanny frys chicken tenders at da Doller Tree. Priscilla’s sista won da nanny raffle at da Duck Foot Festival so we had 2 make her Nanny. Not honoring a raffle is 25 yeers 2 life n Vermilion Parish so we had 2. T-T-Claude juss betta have da chicken tender hook up as long as Priscillas sista werks dere. I still dont know her name.

Duck Foot Festival is wen da bess scientists n Vermilion Parish cum togetha 2 guess on y ducks have feet.

All n all it wuz a gud Holy Day. I stole all da wine dat wuz at da Blockbusta Church an T-T-Claude wuz lukin slick n his Stone Cold Steve Austin vest.

N da name of da father, da son, an who is mah daddy. A man?